Jeremy Clarkson calls CyclingMikey a “sneak” and claims “using a phone in a car that’s not moving is as dangerous as knitting”… is then seen walking a bike in Copenhagen because his “anus is broken”; How about that Paris-Roubaix? + more on the live blog

What a beautiful day to wake up after a lovely weekend of Paris-Roubaix, there’s obviously not going to be a Jeremy Clarkson comment in The Sun to ruin it, surely?

Oh would you believe it!

Mr Clarkson, perhaps in need of spare change to hire bikes in Copenhagen which apparently left him with a “broken anus” (more on that in a minute), has had a go at Mike van Erp, or commonly known as CyclingMikey, calling him a “sneak” and also claiming that “using a phone in a car that’s not moving is as dangerous as knitting”.

At least this time, he hasn’t used AI by the looks of it…

> We asked AI to write us an anti-cyclist article in the style of Jeremy Clarkson: Here's what it came up with

He starts off the piece recognising that van Erp, a Dutch cyclist who grew up in Zimbabwe, was hit by a personal tragedy when he was a teen, when a drunk driver killed his father, and goes on to call him a “social media warrior” for posting videos of drivers breaking laws.

“This unpaid volunteer, who even turns up at court to offer himself as a witness, is doing what the police these days will not do. Enforcing the law,” says Clarkson. “He’s Charles Bronson with bicycle clips. The Equaliser, with saddle sores.”

“So why, then, do I think Mr Mikey is the most dreadful man in Britain today?” Clarkson asks, perhaps referring to The Times article from last year which labelled him as “Britain’s most hated cyclist”.

And this is where the egregious yet banal series of ad hominem conjectures begin. He writes: “It’s not because he has an awful more-in-sorrow-than-anger attitude, remaining stupidly calm while those he’s filmed use every insult in the book to lambast him.

“Nor is it because of his squeaky voice. I don’t even mind that he’s a lefty. It’s entirely predictable that a middle-aged “carer” on a bicycle wants to kick out the Tories. He does a lot of reposting on Twitter about this. Of course he does.”

> "Stoking cyclist hate will get him more publicity": CyclingMikey hits back at Mr Loophole's latest attack on "snitch society" camera cyclists

So what’s Clarkson’s beef? “Well, first of all, most of the people he catches using the phone are stuck in a traffic jam,” he says.

He adds that while it is illegal to use a mobile device while stationary at the wheel, “we all know using a phone in a car that’s not moving is as dangerous as knitting”.

CyclingMikey's one of many heated altercations with not-so-friendly motorists... This time he was accused of supporting Chelsea (he doesn't support Chelsea)

> Driver caught using mobile phone launches foul-mouthed tirade at CyclingMikey — and accuses him of supporting Chelsea

Only if Mr Clarkson had done his homework, because, a 2021 research from three experts, hailing from University of Auckland, University of Birmingham and University College London, has showed that “cellphone use while driving distracts the driver from the primary task of operating the vehicle, and puts them and others at increased risk of harm”.

The research adds: “We found that while viewing a cellphone in a concealed position, drivers demonstrated inferior driving behaviour, with poorer control over lane position and speed.”

I think it’s safe to conclude that maybe it’s slightly more dangerous than knitting?

Clarkson, then finally, reveals his agenda against Mikey, saying that “what annoys him the most is that he’s a sneak,” before laying out anecdotes about his school days when the entire school didn’t give him up for “putting Polyfilla in every single one of the school’s locks”. Well, driving with phones and a schoolboy’s mischief don’t sound analogous to me.

Maybe it’s time to ask the same question we asked a year ago, does anyone care anymore?

> Jeremy Clarkson "anti-cycling" column "peddles hate for easy money"... but does anyone actually care any more?

"Using my bike costs the BBC nothing": Anna Holligan also "set the record straight" over incorrect claims her employer "has somehow indulged me" by paying for it...

> BBC journalist corrects cargo bike critics, points out it "replaced my car" and saved "£1,000 in fuel"

Cyclists have defended Camden Cycle Campaign after an image posted on Twitter by the group showing cyclists sitting inside a cafe as their bikes lay around the tables outside led to a wide range of accusations and criticism online.

A London cyclist, commenting under road.cc's Twitter post, wrote: “Let me be clear. My bike was there. This was 9-10am after Saturday laps before any brunch or lunch rush. Many were sitting outside, and not in the pic and, with the outside bikes as people inside ordered.”

Rory McCarron, cycling lawyer at Leigh Day Solicitors added: “The comments to this are hilarious. I used to go to this cafe regularly post ride during the week. It opens at 8am and there are no punters other than cyclists for the first hour or so. They’re so reliant on cyclists spending money here you even get a cyclist discount.”

Meanwhile Matty said: “I’m sure if anyone wanted a seat on the benches, they’d quite happily have moved the bikes. Given no cycle stands or anywhere else to put them safely, where do people expect them to go?”

Gammons absolutely frothing over this picture.
A) I count 8 completely free tables.
B) Only 2 seats being obstructed.
C) £10 says not a single one of those cyclists would mind someone moving their bike.
D) Only customers are... cyclists 🤷‍♂️ https://t.co/ctQEob2ByR

— The Kentish Town Cyclist (@KentishCyclist) April 7, 2024

Camden Cycling Campaign responded to road.cc's request for comment, with the group’s co-ordinator Steve saying: “There was a lot of hate and bile on X as a result of my post with the hashtag #LondonLovesCycling. I suspect there is co-ordinated 'anti' campaign in response to the LCC London Loves Cycling campaign. 

“Camden Cycle Campaign does not want to engage in the so called Culture Wars. I did not reply to any of the haters but for the record there were many other tables (out of shot) that were free should anyone have been looking for a seat outside. 

“London really does love cycling - let's spread the love!”

The DAIMON 'bike-board' - of which one variation is fittingly dubbed the Emmental - is said to do wonders for your pelvic region, with its creators even boasting that you won't need to use padded shorts any more.

> Will this AI-designed, cheese-inspired 'sit device' confine bike saddles to history? Swiss inventors claim wide and weird creation eliminates rear discomfort

Well that doesn't seem very prudent, does it?

 

 

 

 

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Video creator Sebastian Schieren wrote that it took him a lot of attempts and that he broke two drones, but I'm more interested in knowing how did the cyclist's knee fare through all this...

In an earth-shattering piece of information that’s probably never going to come in handy, we can reveal that Paula Vennells, the former CEO of Post Office during the final three years of the British Post Office scandal which led to almost a thousand posties being wrongly convicted of fraud, is a… cyclist.

Well that’s going to give the rabid folks on social media some lovely ammunition to come at cyclists.

EXCLUSIVE:@Alextomo asks Former Post Office CEO Paula Vennells if she misled parliament.

She’s been seen publicly for the first time since Channel 4 News released damning revelations confirming Post Office management knew of issues with remote access to its Horizon system… pic.twitter.com/6avYHjiIZe

— Channel 4 News (@Channel4News) April 7, 2024

Publicly seen for the first time since it was revealed by Channel 4 that the Post Office management knew of the remote access issues to its Horizon system for several years before the prosecutions were paused, Channel 4 got to Vennells in a clip posted on social media this morning and asked her if she misled the Parliament, as she carried her Specialized bike (bonus points to any reader for figuring out which model, we think it’s the discontinued women-specific Dolce or a Tarmac or Allez) through, wearing a Bianchi lid and an Endura hi-vis jacket.

And the impact can already be seen, with one of our live-blog experts in anti-cycling bingo (no, not Clarkson), the former GB News producer Charlotte Gill, not skipping a beat to fire shots at someone for using a cycle. Lest we remind her of the age-old road.cc tenet: “Not everyone who cycles is a saint.” Certainly holds true in this case.

She would be a cyclist wouldn’t she. Stands to reason. And a vicar. Of course. And an evil lying lefty.

— Darren Phillips (@DarrenP37878903) April 7, 2024

While we all were watching Mathieu van der Poel do Mathieu van der Poel things in disbelief at the screen, your second, or maybe third-favourite live blogger was working away to bring you all the live news from the Hell of the North. Yes, our own Ryan Mallon was at Paris-Roubaix, getting up close with the 32mm tyres, monster 62-tooth chainrings, sticky bottles, crazy chicanes, the mighty cobbles, and a fair few bloodied hands (while obviously having the time of his life!).

So in case you missed it, here's the craic from yesterday's race (plus more pictures too!). First up, is the Carrefour de l'Arbre, the last chance of glory and a powerful attack on the cobbles usually. Not this time around though, as Van der Poel had the win in his bag by the time he blew past this section of the pavé.

The calm before the MVDP storm…

Carrefour de l’Arbre, a few hours before Mathieu van der Poel blew by on the way to winning the fastest ever Paris-Roubaix, with the longest solo triumph since Andrei Tchmil in 1994#ParisRoubaix #ParisRoubaix2024 pic.twitter.com/pvU8A3OYYO

— road.cc (@roadcc) April 7, 2024

Grenke-Auto Eder’s Patrick Casey showing Jeremy Clarkson how it's done on the cobbles.

The hands of a Paris-Roubaix rider!

Grenke-Auto Eder’s Patrick Casey got the full Hell of the North treatment during the junior #ParisRoubaix (not helped by the young Irish rider forgetting to bring his left glove to the race…) pic.twitter.com/qP4p6U3olk

— road.cc (@roadcc) April 7, 2024

Misery befalls the younger Tarling sibling too, a not-so-pleasant meeting with the cobbles in the junior race for TT ace Finlay, as his brother, Josh was DQ'd for a sticky bottle.

On the same day brother Josh was DQ’d from the senior #ParisRoubaix for a sticky bottle, fellow TT ace Finlay Tarling – and his Team GB jersey – also enjoyed a cobbled baptism of fire, crashing hard early on, ripping the back of his skinsuit, and losing all his gels to boot… pic.twitter.com/7KStlQDKyc

— road.cc (@roadcc) April 7, 2024

And how could we not give you a close-up picture of the dreaded pavé?

Some more pictures (you can thank Ryan later)...