There is a lot to say about having kids and riding your bike. Both involve unmitigated joy, pain, and, more often than not, questioning why you started this in the first place.
As a cyclist who is four years into parenting one child and nine months into parenting two, I am fairly adept at both. However, I never fully understood beforehand how having children would fundamentally change my relationship with cycling.
The time
One thing you don’t think too much about before you have a kid is the time you can dedicate to cycling. Sure, I had the dream of spending weekdays out on my bike that was cruelly thwarted by needing to work, but really, I could go out whenever I wanted for basically as long as I wanted. Several times I decided to just ride from London to Brighton on the day I did it, without a care in the world.
Now that is an impossible dream.
With my two children at home, there is a detailed and highly complex bartering system in place with my wife for time spent doing almost anything that isn’t looking after them. Suddenly her going out on a Saturday afternoon is equal to a couple of hours for me on my bike on Sunday morning.
It sounds awful, not being able to do one of the things you love the most as much as you would like, and for the first few months it was. However, I now actually view it in a different way because where before a 40 mile ride on a Saturday morning was par for the course, now I appreciate 10 miles like that expensive bottle of wine you’ve been saving for a special occasion.
The guilt
When I had one kid this meant that I would come home after a ride, scoop my daughter up and take over childcare duties whilst my wife could chill out for a bit. With two she is outnumbered…
It creates a situation where you know your bike ride is causing your partner stress, you know that things will be missed, so that bump on my son’s head from when he pulled over a coffee table because my wife was busy changing my daughter, is a direct physical manifestation of me wanting to ride my bicycle for 30 minutes.
But wait, it gets worse…
As somebody with a 9-5 I have limited time with my kids, I see them every morning and evening, but the real memories are made at weekends – just about the only time I have to ride my bike.
So while I’m out on my bike what am I missing? Has my son walked for the first time? Has my daughter painted a picture? I have no idea, because I’m out on my bike.
The danger
I write for road.cc and have presented the podcast for 85 episodes, I am well versed on the dangers of cycling, but suddenly those close passes feel closer, those angry people in a car high on the latest Telegraph headline could leave my children without a dad.
> The real impact of close passes on cyclists — my children were nearly left fatherless
It’s not like there is any more tragedy in me being hurt than somebody without kids, but the burden of responsibility impacts everything you do. It’s not until you become a parent that you can even begin to understand why most people have ‘boring’ parents, and I now put myself firmly in that category.
When I watch Tom Pidcock descending now, I am not only amazed at the skill and reactions he shows, but equally by the don’t care attitude. At my best I may have been able to take those corners at ⅔ of the speed he does, now I genuinely don’t know if I would ever do it at 10%.
The money
I am a reviewer which means I get to test out amazing kit for road.cc, but even with that I still spend far too much money on kit. I haven’t had a new bike in 6 years and I have the itch having moved from London to the Cotswolds in that time – I love my Caad13, but I want something carbon, electronic, and fast.
However, if I want to buy a decent bike in today’s market I would be looking at £4k+ and when I am spending around £1k per month on nursery fees I have no idea how I could afford it. To be honest I am still not totally sure how I manage it at the moment without a new bike and with road.cc keeping me in kit and components.
Cycling is an expensive sport, but it is nothing compared to parenting.
So, is it worth it?
Is it really worth it? If going on bike rides is difficult, you feel guilty when you do and have a constant sense of dread, all on knackered equipment, then why do it?
First off, my worst day on a bike is better than my best day in front of a computer screen and there is no way I can give that up.
However, the most important thing is that my kids are sharing in the cycling experience from a young age. Seeing me in full kit is completely normal, tinkering with bikes is a chance to share an experience, and cycling in our cul-de-sac with them on stabilisers is as rewarding as doing a century.
Before I know it they will be dropping me on my favourite climbs, and I honestly cannot wait for that day to come.
21 thoughts on “The guilt, the danger and the dichotomy of being a cycling parent”
…welcome to the club. And
…welcome to the club. Don’t worry your time will be your own again in twenty years or so; your money however most certainly won’t.
It’ll get easier as they get
It’ll get easier as they get older. Once you are guaranteed that they won’t wake up before 7am then you’ve always got the option to go for a 6am ride.
Yep, it gets easier as they
Yep, it gets easier as they get older. And then the grandkids arrive and it starts again!
By the age of three they were
By the age of three they were riding on the back of the junior back tandem, at five they had ridden fifty miles before breakfast whilst marshalling on the North Road 24, currently renovating the junior back ready for the eldest grandson.
Just a small, but important
Just a small, but important point. When riding with children always ride behind the child – not in front as in the picture at the top of this article. You can’t see what the child is doing if you are in front of him/her. When behind, you can ride in primary position and offer the younger rider more protection.
Rome73 wrote:
You’ve missed an important aspect of that photo … the child is being towed!
Being able to tow a child at times makes a huge difference to everyone’s enjoyment, and the distance/hills that can be climbed!
Rome73 wrote:
That photo is of my son and I riding, and it is taken on a cycle path with no traffic.
If we ride together on the road I will ride outside of him most of the time, or behind if necessary.
He is being towed and in that situation, he understands what to do, and we avoid roads where I know he will need to be towed wherever possible.
I’m lucky that I work from
I’m lucky that I work from home and my partner works condensed hours so shes off 2 days a week. I get to see them every morning for a bit at least and I do dinner, bath and bed every night as well as getting to play with them during the day a few days a week.
I jump on the trainer in the evenings for an hour or two when I can and then I have some time on the weekend to go out for a few hours.
If I did what many do I wouldn’t have the time or the energy to ride my bike anything more than purely recreationally.
I went through the whole
I went through the whole guilt thing, and rode less and less, until a crunch point happened and I was forced to comfront the fact that I needed to go ride, and that by going out riding I was a much nicer person because my mental health improved. I was in a much better place to ensure that while I maybe gave less time to my kids and partner, it was better quality time (and for them, it was with someone who was no longer permenantly grumpy).
I will second this comment,
I will second this comment, bringing up my kids in the 90s, wasn’t a big time cyclist but I did participate in other sports, my mood and tolerance levels were managed by sports exercetion, my wife would send me out if I hadn’t done anything for 2-3 weeks and I was getting noticeably grumpy
People seem to forget this
People seem to forget this point. A good parent is a happy parent. You’re entire life doesn’t have to revolve around your kids. You can make time to take care of yourself and both parents should be. Needing to go out on a bike ride every week or a few times a week is no less valid than someone who wants to sit in front of the TV for hours after work.
Also, up to a point, people who exercise have far more energy and I would wager they make far better and more involved parents than the ones I see far too often these days who are morbidly obese and seemingly sending their kids down the same path…
For sure, but there is still
For sure, but there is still no escaping that three hours out on your bike is three hours for your spouse solo with the children, which equally has a price on mental health.
Quote:
I don’t have children but I have other people that rely on me. I find that having life insurance makes me worry less about that.
It’s also worth bearing in mind that the risk of being mown down by a car is far outweighed by the health benefits of cycling.
Great article on an important
Great article on an important topic.
I used to commute by bike to work and that provided most of my miles for many years. The occasional weekend ride to preserve my sanity! I found riding an old bike ensured I got max excercise from the journey. I then started riding an old city bike with 3 speed hub – incredibly heavy, but with kids learning it was great excercise for the distance and the upright position was also an advantage. The kids had much better bikes … I bought a series of Isla bikes that got passed down as I bought the next size up. This had them sorted into secondary school. I also tried towing but they didn’t like it.
When they got to secondary school my commute took them there on road and they used a cycle path/pavement on the way home. I took the rear quarter position so I could protect and shout instructions, sometimes coming along side in the primary.
They all still ride as means of transport and we’ve had some great leisure adventures, but I caution being too enthusiastic. I did expect too much on one weekend trip with my youngest and it frequently gets mentioned, not in a good way!
Yes, but as a parent, you
Yes, but as a parent, you will experience the true and immense joy of watching your offspring pedal off under their own steam and their own balance. It’s such a cliche, but teaching your children to ride is absolutely one of the greatest experiences of being a parent.
A very particular, personal
A very particular, personal take on this. Back in the 2016 – when my children were quite young (5 and 3) – I was in the fortunate position of being able to take a break from work and decided to spend a year raising money for charity by cycling to and from every Crystal Palace football match for a season (as I may have mentioned on here before!) It meant that as times I would be away from home for a week – such as when we played Middlesbrough or Sunderland away (three days there, matchday, three days home). On the other hand, between away games I would be at home all the time and see much more of my children (and do much more of the childcare etc) than when I was previously working long hours and would often leave before they were up and get home after they’d gone to bed. Overall, I spent more time with the kids that way than when working full time. But I would not have been able to do this without the amazing support of my wife, and also her employer who let her move her hours around to fit my schedule and the children’s needs.
As the father of a four year
As the father of a four year old this really rings true. With a newborn at home during lockdown I rode the turbo trainer a lot more, which was great for my fitness, but definitely doesn’t have the same mental health benefit of actually getting outside, which I never really had the chance to do.
I’ve now found a balance that works ok for me, and crucially seems to for my wife as well. ~1 hour rides some evenings after the small person is in bed (darker evenings will be putting an end to this soon though) some longer 90-120min lunchtime rides on working from home days to make up for the early start and later finish, and a ride on the weekend day that isn’t my turn to be up with him at around 6:30 for a couple of hours. Usually adds up to 3-6 hours a week depending on how much other aspects of life take priority. Not enough to be competitive at any level, but enough to keep me fitter and crucially give me enough headspace etc to be able to take on the rest of the week and offer my wife time to do the things she wants to do so that we both get to maintain a balance.
I was hit by a car last October with some unpleasant injuries, it did give me quite a lot of pause about going back out and riding again, but I think the benefits outweigh the risks, and I would hate for my son to grow up scared of cycling because of it, so from May I was back up to riding outside again.
If I could offer any advice
If I could offer any advice to parents trying to teach their children to cycle it would be don’t make the same mistakes I did. Instead of being patient and encouraging I was bullying and hard. I did nothing to increase her self-condfidence, if anything it had the opposite effect. As a result she was put off cycling for most of her childhood and adolescence and has only recently started cycling again at the age of 25.
I’ve lost count of the times I’ve cursed myself and apologised to her. We all make mistakes with our children but this is one I’ll have on my conscience for the rest of my life. So, please, don’t be hard, be kind and patient with them as they learn, especially on the roads. Shouting at them will never achieve anything.
Get a two seat trailer, [and
Get a two seat trailer, [and a toddler seat if need be] and take the kids with you.
Work out some rides based around play parks that they wouldn’t normally go to … hook it up, strap them in and off you go.
Most trailers have room for baby changing kit, snacks and juice bottles.
You get to spend some time on the bike … but also with the kids and they get to play in some parks that they wouldn’t normally play in.
Both you and your wife get the mental health break that you need.
If its raining … so what? Most kids love playing in the rain.
Might not be a full on training session, but trailers aren’t light, plus the weight of your kids … you’ll be surprised at the effort needed for even a 2% climb.
I only wish is that I’d had an ebike when my kids were younger… makes life a bit easier.
When my daugther was very
When my daugther was very small we could go anywhere with the trailer because it was guarenteed to put her to sleep. She would adorably sing to herself and then pass out. Maybe I am a bit biased on the adorability part.
When she was a bit older, and no longer would definitley sleep, I found that any journey longer than half an hour needed to be broken at a place to play. In a city that would be a playground but a convenient forest or stream worked as well.
Now she is 6 and she cycles to and from school each day (only 2k each way, accompanied by a parent and mostly on the footpath) and we only use the trailer for rain and snow.
She really enjoys cycling and camping. We went to the Fläming Skate in the summer where there are 300km+ of traffic free surfaced routes. It was perfect for her as its cars that scare her (and me) and without them to worry about she really enjoyed the cycling. She did 38km in one day in quite intense heat. Through summer we cycled and camped every few weeks – though usually just short weekend trips. Due to the car problem we had to take trains to get us out of the city before we could start however.
Of course it has nearly completely removed any chance for me to have free time (though mostly my job had already done that) but luckily I enjoy cycling with her, even if its not much exercise for me. For the past two years I have had a weekend off each year involving (what for me is now a long) cycle and solitary camping.
In a few years she will become more independent no doubt but also we will hopefully do longer rides together, as I eagerly await the day she drops me on a climb.
The real challenge for me was
The real challenge for me was being able to regain my fitness again after the birth and those early years of being a mother. I was very lucky to have my mum living close to my cycle club so at 3mths I would drive there, feed him, jump on a clubrun coming past for 2hrs, be back in time for the next feed.
Trying to be fit enough on a few hrs sleep to keep up with a bunch of blokes who train all week is really hard. I spent 3 years falling out the back of groups.
So much of the mental work of childcare is also on the mother, organising nursery, schools, clubs, clothing, dr & dentist. Cycling is only possible for mums who have a hugely supportive network and is so sad how many excellent female cyclists I know who have had to give up because the bulk of the childcare falls on their shoulders.
Ah yes, and trying to get the fueling right when your bars and gel energy gets stolen on a ride to make milk, when really you just need power to ride! Suddenly i had to take twice as many snacks with me to sustain me through! And then if out too long, the boobs got too swollen and leaked. All whilst trying to cling on the back of a pack.