“Transfer your pulsing rage directly onto cyclists,” urges bizarre anti-cycling column; Fans celebrate as ‘nice guy’ Sepp Kuss wins Vuelta; Wacky conspiracy theories abound as Wales introduces 20mph speed limit; Thriller in Madrid + more on the live blog

Just when you thought the world of anti-cycling columns couldn’t plunge any deeper, especially after Jeremy Clarkson’s latest tirade against the “two-wheeled Stasi” or the Spectator’s almost monthly assertion that “Lycra-clad” cyclists “own the roads”, well think again.

Because yesterday the Herald published one of the more bizarre anti-cycling bingo rants of recent times, courtesy of commentator and former deputy editor Kevin McKenna.

Ten years ago, you may or may not recall, McKenna condemned a campaign to introduce a system of “strict liability” in incidents involving motorists and vulnerable road users, claiming that cycling in Scotland was strictly the preserve of the middle class and that the move would risk “criminalising innocent citizens”, while forcing them to “chug along permanently in second gear” behind cyclists on the roads.

> Cities are for cars - and the Road Share campaign criminalises motorists, says Scots commentator

Well, it seems as if McKenna’s attitudes towards cycling haven’t dimmed in the intervening ten years, judging by a column in which he urges readers to create their own “wellness plan” to combat and find an outlet for their “repressed rage” – with one element of his plan involving “transferring his rage” onto one of his seemingly many “triggers”: Cyclists on the road. Which sounds extremely safe for all involved.

“Cyclists,” he begins, readying his anti-cycling bingo pen. “To the unwary, these gentle and unassuming road snails are merely well-meaning types with too much time on their hands who are seeking fresh air and exercise amid the grandeur of Scotland’s wild open spaces.

“Then you begin to realise that you’re about to be late for making the working contribution to society that they seem to be dodging.”

Ah yes, the ‘cyclists holding up people actually trying to go to work and help society’ trope, good one. Because no cyclist ever uses their bike to commute. Ever.

Just look at all these work-shy leisure cyclists, holding all the important people in cars up…

Next, he moves onto one of the more recent anti-cycling bingo lines, fuelled no doubt by the reaction to LTNs and the ‘extra pollution’ they cause:

“Worse, your carbon footprint is going from a manageable size six to a dangerous size 10 as you slow to a crawl and your engine begins to consume more petrol, along with the long line of cars behind you.”

So, what’s McKenna’s doubtlessly thought-provoking solution?

“In my personal wellness plan I’ve now pledged to take a deep breath before gently edging out and around the cyclists and taking up a position directly in front of them. And then slowing right down to about two miles an hour.

“Thus, you transfer your pulsing rage directly on to them. You need only do this for about three minutes. But it will lead to better mental health outcomes, knowing that you’ve given these insidious and sanctimonious weapons a taste of their own medicine.”

Ah, delightful.

> Jeremy Clarkson "anti-cycling" column "peddles hate for easy money"... but does anyone actually care any more?

Though it seems like the bingo enthusiasts in the Herald’s comments section appreciate McKenna’s words of, ahem, wisdom.

“Spot on about cyclists, Kevin. Must try your 2mph trick,” writes Gordon, who for some reason I’m imagining as one of the Self-Righteous Brothers from Harry Enfield and Chums – ‘Oi, cyclists, no!’

Turns out that his frankly bizarre column isn’t the only unprovoked dig aimed at cyclists by McKenna in recent days:

They let me have a shot at the driving. Not a cyclist in sight. Bliss pic.twitter.com/qQvIPIrNGj

— Kevin McKenna (@kmckenna63) September 15, 2023

Obsessed much, Kev?

Velorution, the London bike shop that in recent months saw two motorists, including a bus driver, crash into two of its four branches, has announced that it is closing after 20 years of business.

In April, the driver of the Route 19 bus crashed into one of Velorution’s shops on Chelsea’s King’s Road, smashing right through the store’s window.

Today, we had the pleasure of a personal visit from @tfl at our Chelsea store. Thankfully everyone is perfectly ok. @MetroUK @LonEveSta @standardnews #london #chelsea #buscrash #tfl pic.twitter.com/nMdx6bDZ6s

— Velorution (@_velorution) April 5, 2023

And a month later, another motorist careened sideways into the Marylebone branch, prompting the company’s social media to ask, “are we being targeted?”

During a tough year for the cycling industry, the two bizarre incidents compounded the issues facing Velorution, with the owners putting the business up for sale last month.

In a statement posted to the company’s Linkedin at the weekend, the owners confirmed that the business, which started off as a small shop near Oxford Circus, before expanding to four branches and an online shop, is set to cease trading.

“Velorution has been serving the London bike community for nearly 20 years, but sadly due to the economic conditions (which have been particularly harsh on the cycling industry) and circumstances beyond our control (a bus crashing into our Chelsea store certainly didn’t help), we have sadly decided to enter into a programme which will involve the closure of each of Velorution’s four shops and its website,” the statement said.

“Whilst we’re currently offering 25% off everything (some exclusions apply) on our website we will be undertaking a closing-down sale from the 18th of September for approximately one week. All of our stock will be sold so be sure to grab a one-in-a-lifetime bargain – either online or in-store.

“We’d like to take this moment to thank every single one of our customers who has shopped with us over the past two decades. Whether that’s been buying a bike, visiting us for a service or even just buying a coffee from our famous trike (which is also for sale) – it’s been a great journey and we hope to see another generation of Velorution in future.”

A cyclist from Melbourne who almost lost his eye after being swooped by a magpie is encouraging other riders to wear sunglasses during the coming swooping season in Australia, the Daily Mail reports.

The Australia magpie is notorious for attacking cyclists while defending its territory during the spring nesting season, with Remco Evenepoel and Grace Brown among the pros that were swooped upon while training ahead of last year’s world road race championships in Wollongong.

> "It was terrifying": Remco Evenepoel and World Championships pros suffer magpie attacks

Christiaan Nyssen was riding his bike at Yarrawonga, near the Victorian-New South Wales border in November 2021 when he was struck by a swooping magpie, who proceeded to peck at his eye.

“I have been attacked countless times and don’t have a fear of the birds,” Christian said in a statement released today.

“This bird turned around and went straight for the eye, did a backflip and hit me right in the eye again. A neighbour said I was the fifth person to be attacked.”

Following the attack, he was left unable to see out of the eye due to iris trauma, but eventually underwent surgery to repair the retina and remove the entire lens.

Nyssen says that while the severity of the attack was “one in a million”, he believes it would have been prevented if he had decided to wear his cycling glasses that day as the magpie “wouldn’t have had something to aim at”.

> Best road bike tyres 2023 — ride faster and further with fewer punctures: Our top picks and personal recommendations of the best road bike tyres, whether you're after speed, comfort, durability or value

Absolutely shocking and sickening, this…

Following the death of a retired police chief who was killed in a hit-and-run while cycling in Las Vegas last month, police in the Nevada city have arrested a 17-year-old driver and are now investigating a shocking video which emerged on social media allegedly showing the incident.

In the appalling footage, filmed by the passenger and widely shared on social media this weekend, a driver is seen travelling towards a cyclist, the two occupants of the vehicle laughing before one can be heard saying “yeah, hit his ass” seconds before the collision.

Afterwards, someone is heard saying “he got knocked out” before another voice adds “get out of here”.

Read more here: > Disturbing footage allegedly shows teenager kill cyclist in shocking hit-and-run

Speaking of ‘gifts’ and the Vuelta, Primož Roglič – the rider reportedly most unhappy at being unable to race for the win at the Spanish Grand Tour – played the role of the ultimate present-giver (albeit without the white beard) after yesterday’s final stage in Madrid, tossing energy gel after energy gel to punters watching the podium presentations in the Spanish capital.

According to Daniel Friebe on The Cycling Podcast, the ever-irreverent Slovenian grabbed a big stack of leftover gels, both from his own pockets as well as those of this teammates, before throwing them into the crowd and wishing everyone a “merry Christmas”, over and over again, for around 30 seconds.

Make of that what you will… But at least you can’t say Primož Roglič doesn’t like dolling out gifts.

A few hundred metres behind the action-packed, Remco and Ganna-driven finale, Sepp Kuss sat up alongside his Jumbo-Visma teammates (wearing a rather underwhelming homage to their unprecedented Grand Tour triple success), as they lined up across the road to toast the American’s first ever triumph at one of cycling’s biggest three-week races.

By winning the Vuelta, not only did the 29-year-old from Durango, Colorado, seal the deal on his team’s history-making season, but he also became the first American in a decade to win a Grand Tour, after 76-year-old Chris Horner beat Vincenzo Nibali at the 2013 Vuelta (probably best not to delve too deeply into the previous decade’s list of US Grand Tour winners, mind you…).

Kuss’s transformation from loyal and invaluable mountain domestique (he’s had a hand in all six of Jumbo-Visma’s previous GT wins from 2019) to big race winner was, of course, achieved amidst the backdrop of a fledgling and ultimately stifled civil war within the Jumbo-Visma camp, as confusion reigned over who called the shots on the road, prompting a messy and wholly unnecessary PR battle for hearts and minds.

(Rafa Gomez/SprintCyclingAgency)

In fact, ever since Kuss gained over three minutes on the peloton from the break on stage six, and took the red jersey two days later, it was the American’s two teammates, Tour champ Jonas Vingegaard and Giro winner Primož Roglič, who appeared the most likely to rob him of a career-defining triumph.

No gifts in cycling, eh?

Perhaps because of this internal conflict, Kuss has emerged as an almost universally popular winner of the Vuelta, a race otherwise defined by Jumbo-Visma’s clinical dismantling of the opposition and overwhelming dominance.

And Kuss’s popularity, and sense of romanticism within a ruthless team, was made abundantly clear on social media as he took to the podium for a (very long) speech in front of Madrid’s iconic Cibeles Fountain:

My mind is still blown over the fact that awesome and cupworthy SEPP KUSS won this race. He stumbled into the GC lead by accident (kind of) but he stayed in that red jersey with grace, humility, kindness and a always a smile. I couldn't be happier for him.

BRAVO, @seppkuss!❤️ pic.twitter.com/4EjCR31OWf

— Stacy Snyder (@snyderceramics) September 17, 2023

Pretty hard to not be emotional as an American cycling fan hearing the national anthem played for Sepp Kuss.

First American grand tour win I’ve witnessed. Legendary race. Legendary rider.

— GC KUSS (@GCSeppKuss) September 17, 2023

Massive congrats to @seppkuss on becoming the World Vuelta Champion of the Universe. 👏 👏

— Alex Howes (@alex_howes) September 17, 2023

Sepptember 17th…..#Zerostagestogo This dude @seppkuss is going to win @lavuelta today, defying the odds in his third GT of the year. Historic day for so many reasons, but by far the biggest is the fact that it IS possible for nice guys to win Grand Tours! pic.twitter.com/zYiGpAEaxH

— VandeVelde,Christian (@ChristianVDV) September 17, 2023

But what makes the American so popular amongst cycling fans and his fellow and former pros?

Well, Kuss himself thinks he has the answer:

Why do you think the cycling fans like you so much?"

Sepp Kuss: "Because I'm human, because I'm a 'globero' (noob). Because I'm more a cyclist than a rider."pic.twitter.com/0jsv9PNWJT

— Mihai Simion (@faustocoppi60) September 17, 2023

“Because I’m human, because I’m a noob,” he told Spanish reporters after yesterday’s final stage. “Because I’m more a cyclist than a rider.”

Fair play, GC Kuss, fair play.