You have to hand it to the Critic’s Adam James Pollock (well, you don’t, but you know what I mean). When it comes to right-wing commentator bingo, his latest offering for the conservative magazine nabbed quite a few full houses.
In just eight short paragraphs, the writer – who also found the time over the weekend to pen a column for the Spectator titled ‘Why Northern Ireland hates Paddington’ – managed to squeeze in references to small boats in the English channel, immigration, Deliveroo illegal e-bike riders, Net Zero, pavement cycling, bike number plates, MAMILs holding up traffic, and the cycling proficiency test.
The Telegraph would be proud.
And the thesis at the centre of this Venn diagram-mashing diatribe? That immigrants to the UK should be made to take the cycling proficiency test.
“How better to bestow proper cycling etiquette upon the immigrant delivery population?” Pollock asks, in his column, intriguingly headlined ‘Bring back the cycling proficiency test’ (which, Adam, hasn’t gone away, of course. You’re just not at school anymore).
> Parents angry that children are being taught to cycle in middle of lane and other “risky behaviour” by cycling instructors, says Bikeability
“While looking at a list of what really matters to voters, I noticed that the same points keep arising: immigration, safety, infrastructure, jobs. How could we solve all of these issues at once? Surely there must be something the government is overlooking. And then, like a hangover or a Deliveroo cyclist, it hit me, full force,” Pollock writes.
“The cycling proficiency test. A more clear predictor of British birth than having a tin of loose-leaf tea in the cupboard which is never used, the cycling proficiency test bestowed proper cycling etiquette upon generations of children across the United Kingdom.”
> Dangerous “fake” e-bikes undermining UK’s cycling efforts and putting industry at risk, say MPs calling for clampdown
Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to have made Adam any more empathetic to people on bikes, as he goes on to contrast e-bike delivery riders with “the typical cyclist, the middle-aged-man-in-lycra who sets off Sunday morning to hold up traffic”.
Turning his attention back to immigrant e-bike delivery riders, Pollock continued: “As a precondition for both entering Britain through the legal migration routes and for receiving any form of benefit after arriving here illegally, aspiring citizens should be required to undertake the cycling proficiency test. It would both allow them to more easily integrate into British culture while also making them aware of how our road transport system works.”
Yes, Adam, like all those dangerous, close passing drivers on our roads…
> “I was new, I didn’t know the rules”: Delivery cyclists urge colleagues to follow rules as 37 riders issued £100 fines for cycling in city centre
“It would at least make them aware that they should ‘get off the bloody footpath’, a phrase I have often found myself disparaging the reckless balaclava-clad cyclists with,” he writes, before bringing up that classic trope of the anti-cycling political writer: number plates.
“For those utilising bicycles on a regular basis in metropolitan areas, a similar system to car number-plates could be introduced, easily checkable to find out whether or not the cyclist should really be on the road,” he argues.
“This would doubtless prevent innumerable road traffic collisions from occurring, while also freeing up job roles for those suffering from joblessness who are struggling to get back into work.
Ah yes, the key to Britain’s “innumerable” road safety problems: number plates for Deliveroo riders. Because that works so well for motorists, the ones really involved in the “innumerable” collisions on our roads. Problem solved, Adam, well done!
He concluded: “A booming new sector could be created, one of cycling proficiency test instructors and adjudicators, regulation enforcers and back-end data analysis professionals, and perhaps tutors for those young students for whom the test is a recent memory.”
> 20mph in all urban areas, a ban on pavement parking and cycling in the national curriculum: cycling and walking groups call for "most radical reforms to road safety since mandatory seat belts" ahead of Government’s Road Safety Strategy
Of course, the irony is that Pollock is repeating, loosely, a call for more cycling training by the UK’s national bike training scheme, Bikeability, who in May urged the government to enshrine mandatory cycle training into the national curriculum as part of a series of reforms designed to make the roads safer.
Alongside calling for an immediate nationwide ban on pavement parking, default 20mph speed limits for motor vehicles in all urban areas, and spending at least 10 per cent of transport funding on cycling and walking, the charity argued that increasing levels of Bikeability training is “associated with lower levels of people being killed or seriously injured”, despite the training not yet being available on the curriculum.
It also recommended improved training for adult cyclists, including the development of a national training standard for commercial cargo bike use.
Somehow, I don’t think the Critic’s Adam was really thinking about cyclists’ safety when he penned his column at the weekend…
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I'm all for investing in greater access to Bikeability training. I hope that should the government allocate more funding to improve opportunities for people to learn to bike safely, they'd get his full support. Extend the offer to people on Job Seekers' Allowance too - as well as anyone else that wants it.
Of course if the current government were to announce such a thing, the righ-wingers would immediately reject the 'freebie culture' that rewards 'illegal immigration' or 'lazy spongers' and claim it's part of a conspiracy against cars.
Meanwhile, Labour's comms team being entirely useless, they'd announce it as a proposal to 'turbo charge the economy' in a doomed attempt to avoid attacks by the right-wing media, which allows for bad faith takes from the left-wing commentators who are just as guilty as the Daily Mail columnists when it comes to relying on anger and self-righteousness to drive traffic to their opinion pieces and social media posts.
Isn't 'turbo-charging' (of bicycles) what all these people are complaining about in the first place?
Happened to read this today in a Guardian article on the right's increasingly apocalyptic race-baiting rhetoric:
Think that tells us all we need to know about that particular journal (last reported circulation figures fewer than 9,000 paying readers).
We had a planning application to make a recent development of three houses "gated" in the Forest of Dean! Not noted for the gangs of armed men roaming the streets.
Maybe they were worried about wild boars?
Perhaps they should be worried about wild boors...
They're very shy and run away fast.
Unless, as I found out some years ago in your beautiful part of the world, you're riding on a forest trail that the boarlets have just crossed ahead of you but mama boar hasn't: she emerged from the undergrowth about 50 yards ahead and gave us a proper face down for about thirty seconds. Fortunately, having made it quite clear who was the boss of the forest and that it wasn't us, she then trotted off to round up the little 'uns.
Yes, you do have to be careful if the mother has hoglets.
"The Cycling Proficiency Test. A more clear indicator of British birth than having a tin of loose leaf tea....etc".
"It hit me as hard as an SUV being driven by a distracted, overweight motorist on his way to the chippy (Sorry Deliveroo bike)."
Such a witty writer.
Where can I subscribe to "The Critic."
I don't know about subscribe, but I reckon these people might be able to sort you out.
I get through quite a lot of loose leaf tea, Yorkshire Gold, full on flavour.
"Do it fer Yorksher!"
So much better than that forrin rubbish.
Someone was trying to interest me in Chinese tea the other day - Oolong or something? No thank you, I'll stick to the honest local Scottish stuff!
I get through quite a lot of loose leaf tea, Yorkshire Gold
Pfff!! What could be more aristocratically British than Earl Grey?
Which reminds me of the appalling joke about the communists not meeting in any cafe that served Earl Grey. Not because of the aristocratic connections, but because proper tea is theft.
Perhaps everybody should be made to do the cycling proficiency test and be required to put in 100 hours each year on a bike as a requirement for a driving license.
Could Road.cc scrape the barrel any lower when dredging up anti-cycling articles? It's become as pointless as the trolls it continues to publicise. Time to vote with my feet
Sooo. anyone can come to the UK from mainland europe via official means driving a car, van or articulated lorry with the steering wheel on the wrong side and we dont give a shit. but anyone wants to sit on a bike? ooohh thats got to be tested to make sure you know what youre doing.
Adam James Pollock seems to have discovered how to use AI to write an anti-cycling article. No human writer could have got that much complete nonsense on one subject into a mere eight paragraphs.
Presumably he gets paid by the word, and even minimum wage is pretty good if you don't actually have to write anything yourself. Even better if you get paid by the click.
"And then, like a hangover or a Deliveroo cyclist, it hit me, full force,” Somebody should.
Reminder that an experienced cycle courier obeying traffic laws will earn £6p/h working for JustEat
What this pigshit thick wanker seems to forget is that many of the racist pricks taht's he's fawning over also hold driving licences, these bigotted knobheads have been through an etiquette test and are still ignorant fuckwits that shouldn't be allowed outside without a responsible adult. And stop bringing the civilisaed nations down by using Britain and U.K., you're talking about england, dumbshit! #AndBreathe
A valid point, if a little more expressive than I would have written it
He appears to forget that most if not all British adults (born here or not) have passed a driving test and yet a great many of them still quietly "forget" (or just plain ignore) the rules and guidance they've been taught when it suits them…
Blue touch paper was lit after seeing a complete imbecilic right wing toss pot telling someone to speak english in england. I fucking hate them! I do, however, apologise if anyone is unhappy at my language, excluding right whingers, in which case, go fuck yourself!
Yes I'm unhappy for one, my kids read this column. You criticise others but see the need to use bad language to put your point across. Why?
Because I have a large lexicon, I'm extremely expressive and I am extremely comfortable using extended vocabulary. Isn't english such a beautiful language? I am also more offended by selfishness and bigotry than I am by what you label as 'bad language'. It's a great opportunity to teach your kids how to use this rich and colourful language. I'm sure they'll be cussing with the best of us when you're not in earshot. Feel free to read and censor before letting your kids read, but I ain't changing.
I, for one, am horrified by your bad language.
"taht's"? "bigotted"? "civilisaed"? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Obviously not that enraged as I went back and corrected the ones I saw. Enraged enough to allow some to slip through.
Oh, not again, Nigel…
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