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OPINION

Territorial p**sings: stopping for a wee on a bike ride

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When VecchioJo rides his bike, it often causes a Pavlovian weesponse. Here's why having a favourite outdoor number 1 spot is a cyclist's rite of passage

I have a few places on a ride where I like to stop and it’s nothing to do with the view, a snack or a coffee.

> No one cares how far you rode your bike

It instead tends to be a lot of gates, gaps in the hedge or anywhere you can step away from the road for a discreet distance. Mostly gates though. There might be the chance of a nice bit of scenery, or possibly a opportunity to nibble on a munchie bar, but these are not the main reason for the pause in the pedalling.

I need to stop for a wee.

Muddy Gate.jpg

The wee stop is an intrinsic part of cycling. We’re not in the Tour de France here and have to go on the go; although there was that one time I did when it was pissing with rain, just to see if I could (turns out I can easily fill a right shoe, but I digress). Even Le Tour will occasionally call a brief ceasefire in hostilities and have a group interlude in the verge, while the cameras discreetly pan away as the peloton relieves itself over France.

For such a common occurrence I thought this would come up in conversation more often. You have to fill the miles up with natter somehow, but it’s only ever mentioned as a request when someone needs to pull over to the side for a moment. It was remarkably only recently that the subject of favourite wee stops came up, and as the person I was chatting about this with had a similarly weak bladder to myself, they could list their piss places with as much favour and familiarity as I could mine. It was definitely a topic that prompted a good strong flow of conversation.

WO.jpg

Shouldn't that be WC? 

My convenient piss pit stops are etched on my mental map as accurately as any of the turnings I need to take on any local bike ride. It's often been remarked upon that I wee a lot, so there are many places within my pedalling arc that are significant points on the map to be eagerly anticipated.

Many of the spots are just the right distance away from home for pre-ride teas and coffees to have percolated down the pipes, ready to be voided and save a bit of weight for the next climb; or just far enough from home to not be able to hold on that long, and save a bit of weight for the last hill. In between those points will be a well researched and remembered collection of possible stops for a comfort break. At times these are something and somewhere to look forward to, a brief breather in proceedings and an easing of pressure on the saddle while being allowed to lean a little bit further into the drops. There is an interesting and exact counterpoint to this in the old school knowledge of where all the taps are within a 50 mile radius of home for a bottle refill, but that’s another story.

Warminghurst Wee Spot.jpg

The power of a decent wee spot is irresistible, and will tug your handlebars like a divining rod. It has got to the point now where I find it almost impossible to pass by certain well-visited gates without having to relieve myself. It’s like stopping to chat with an old friend, and sometimes the vista of nature whilst answering it is nice.

Whilst on that ride I discovered a wee kindred spirit, they pulled over to stop at one of their frequent piss places. Such is the suggestive power of a perfectly placed gate set back in the hedgerow, that I now find it difficult to pass that point without stopping. It somewhere I’ve previously pedalled by a thousand times without pause, and now have to stop and have a tinkle in the bushes. Just because.

Shadow Gate.jpg

I’m lucky in that I’m male and can take joyous full advantage of my biology for frequent and swift wees, while female cyclists have a far trickier situation to deal with in both ergonomics and not wishing to be on all display, especially if they wear bib-shorts. But then I’ve ridden with those of the opposite sex who are refreshingly cavalier about how and where they relieve themselves, so it’s a kind of equality. It still pays to be more polite, concentrate more attention to looking the other way and maybe chat a little louder though.

Incontinental View.jpg

All this stopping on any of the local loops is essentially marking the bounds of my territory like a dog on a lamppost, and I was shocked to see another cyclist pausing with the instantly recognisable slightly-bent-knees posture in one of MY spots recently... so of course the next time I was out I had to scent that place again, it’s a primeval Strava.

Venture away from your dominion and it becomes a very different ride. Without the map of familiarity, suitable spots have to be grabbed where and whenever they appear and many can be missed at speed which adds an air of bladder jeopardy, especially to man of a certain age.

The plus side to stopping often on a ride is that I’ve relieved myself with some amazing views in the background over the course of my travels, so I reckon I have a really rather good coffee table book in me. It would be a piece of piss... 

Jo Burt has spent the majority of his life riding bikes, drawing bikes and writing about bikes. When he's not scribbling pictures for the whole gamut of cycling media he writes words about them for road.cc and when he's not doing either of those he's pedaling. Then in whatever spare minutes there are in between he's agonizing over getting his socks, cycling cap and bar-tape to coordinate just so. And is quietly disappointed that yours don't He rides and races road bikes a bit, cyclo-cross bikes a lot and mountainbikes a fair bit too. Would rather be up a mountain.

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27 comments

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Cycloid | 2 years ago
2 likes

We could start a new topic
"Near P*ss of the Day"

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Mungecrundle | 2 years ago
0 likes

A discreet al-fresco wee is one of life's simplest and greatest pleasures. Just ask anyone who has lost that natural function.

All part of the great biological / geological nitrogen and phosphorous cycles.

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antigee | 2 years ago
0 likes

Top of a popular training hill Melbourne suburbs....bike is leaning on a bus shelter I have every sympathy for the house owner who has put the notice up

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Cycloid | 2 years ago
0 likes

One of the great benefits of cycling - You are never more than 400yds from a public convenience

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andyp | 2 years ago
0 likes

' there was that one time I did when it was pissing with rain,'

Yup, been there, done that. Bonus warmth on a hell ride when you just want to keep moving and not have to do the bib shorts contortionist thing.

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Captain Badger replied to andyp | 2 years ago
1 like

andyp wrote:

' there was that one time I did when it was pissing with rain,'

Yup, been there, done that. Bonus warmth on a hell ride when you just want to keep moving and not have to do the bib shorts contortionist thing.

ew. 

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joe9090 | 2 years ago
1 like

Probably not just me, but I need to stretch things out a bit before turning the tap on - like the stretching of a balloon flappy bit before you start knotting it...
Especially in the coming colder months, or else there are issues having an uninterrupted flow...

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brooksby replied to joe9090 | 2 years ago
0 likes

joe9090 wrote:

Probably not just me, but I need to stretch things out a bit before turning the tap on - like the stretching of a balloon flappy bit before you start knotting it...
Especially in the coming colder months, or else there are issues having an uninterrupted flow...

Probably best not to do that too much.  Gives the wrong impression, y'know...?

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Secret_squirrel replied to brooksby | 2 years ago
3 likes

Urinal rules apply.  More than 3 shakes/stretches is a w*nk.

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mdavidford replied to Secret_squirrel | 2 years ago
1 like

Does that also mean that you have to leave at least one empty gateway between you any other cyclist relieving themself?

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Awavey | 2 years ago
0 likes

is it not just easier to remember where there are public loos?  https://loocations.com/  or just make use of the facilities of coffee shops, pubs etc

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Simon E replied to Awavey | 2 years ago
9 likes

Awavey wrote:

is it not just easier to remember where there are public loos?  https://loocations.com/  or just make use of the facilities of coffee shops, pubs etc

No.

If Jo's routes are anything like mine there will be no public toilets but miles and miles of hedges with gates or field entrances where one can have a discreet pee.

I've just looked at loocations, all the ones near me are in supermarkets or main road junctions and roundabouts near the bypass, the very roads I wish to avoid on my rides!

I wouldn't be happy calling at a cafe or pub solely to use their toilet. Those facilities are for customers, not passing pedallers. Also I'd have to lock my bike, wander inside, find the facility (after asking if it's OK to use it), maybe retrieve some cash to buy a token item as a way of showing my gratitude before returning outside, unlocking my bike and resuming my journey. Why do that when a urination au naturel in a hedge is so much nicer?

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Awavey replied to Simon E | 2 years ago
0 likes

I thought it was in the rules that all cycling rides included calling at a cafe or local hostelry to indulge in some mid ride recovery drinks/food, so I was suggesting you combine one need with the other, we arent pros after all but then why ride round in the middle of nowhere where there arent any nearby loos.

but then maybe VechioJo is right it is just about marking territory anyway in some weird hangover from prehistoric times, so its not about being practical full stop, maybe if the ergonomics were different youd not find it such an appealing choice.

 

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Bmblbzzz replied to Simon E | 2 years ago
2 likes

Simon E wrote:

Awavey wrote:

is it not just easier to remember where there are public loos?  https://loocations.com/  or just make use of the facilities of coffee shops, pubs etc

No.

If Jo's routes are anything like mine there will be no public toilets but miles and miles of hedges with gates or field entrances where one can have a discreet pee.

I've just looked at loocations, all the ones near me are in supermarkets or main road junctions and roundabouts near the bypass, the very roads I wish to avoid on my rides!

I wouldn't be happy calling at a cafe or pub solely to use their toilet. Those facilities are for customers, not passing pedallers. Also I'd have to lock my bike, wander inside, find the facility (after asking if it's OK to use it), maybe retrieve some cash to buy a token item as a way of showing my gratitude before returning outside, unlocking my bike and resuming my journey. Why do that when a urination au naturel in a hedge is so much nicer?

This. There basically aren't public loos anymore, only those in private establishments (supermarkets etc) open to the public. And those aren't any good in the country lanes either.

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wycombewheeler replied to Simon E | 2 years ago
0 likes

Simon E wrote:

If Jo's routes are anything like mine there will be no public toilets but miles and miles of hedges with gates or field entrances where one can have a discreet pee.

But in Lincolnshire, there are just miles and miles of roads, with no hedges, no gates, no trees nothing at all to hide behind. makes things difficult.

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Footloosecrow | 2 years ago
4 likes

All these years I thought it was just me that stored favourite 'hedge loo' spots in my mental geography of turnings and hills never to be done again. 

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ktache | 2 years ago
1 like

I often take a flask of tea on my rides, screw top, so have to make a definite stop, so that's specific tea stops on my regular hour ride, one day met a commuter on his way home and my tea and his p stop overlapped, I moved on of course.

Hopefully his stop is more in the bushes than mine...

My regular p stops are very country, urban wouldn't work. Though I can sit for hours being driven or on the train, feeling the pressure, but that rhythm of peddling just gets me.

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Rendel Harris replied to ktache | 2 years ago
8 likes

ktache wrote:

I often take a flask of tea on my rides, screw top,

I was so relieved (!) that didn't continue "...and when it's empty I..."

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ktache replied to Rendel Harris | 2 years ago
2 likes

I put some instant coffee in it once and the tea tasted of coffee for ages, so that doesn't bear thinking about...

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0-0 | 2 years ago
3 likes

Is the ground photo 4 an example of when you've had a decent wee? 😁
If so, that's one major slash right there.

I'm surprised no one makes cycling shorts with an absorbent front chamois section, so you can keep on riding as you perform a Jimmy Tinkle.

Dear Dragon's Den,
I'm offering you a 1% stake in my company "Wee On Wheels". I just need £50M to get started.

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HoarseMann replied to 0-0 | 2 years ago
2 likes

0-0 wrote:

 I'm surprised no one makes cycling shorts with an absorbent front chamois section

I'd go for a built-in catheter so you can return fire to close passing motorists.

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chrisonabike replied to 0-0 | 2 years ago
1 like

How soon do you plan to release your product?  Just so I've time to move clear.

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0-0 replied to chrisonabike | 2 years ago
0 likes

As soon as the £50M hits my bank account, I'll buy some kitty litter and pour it into the pants of any passing cyclist 😀

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wycombewheeler replied to 0-0 | 2 years ago
1 like
0-0 wrote:

As soon as the £50M hits my bank account, I'll buy some kitty litter and pour it into the pants of any passing cyclist 😀

Sounds like you're bidding for a roads resurfacing contract.

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Gimpl | 2 years ago
2 likes

'When VecchioJo rides his bike, it often causes a Pavlovian weesponse. Here's why having a favourite outdoor number 2 spot is a cyclist's rite of passage'

Number 1 surely? 

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Secret_squirrel replied to Gimpl | 2 years ago
0 likes

Indeed. Number 2 rhymes with poo for a reason.

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dreamlx10 | 2 years ago
0 likes

A "wee" 

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