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Bikemonger's Happy Bottom Bum Butter is a distinctly different unguent for down below, more a wax than a cream, but it nevertheless lubes your bits really well and lasts a long time.
Happy Bottom Bum Butter is not your normal kind of chamois cream, not just because it's hand produced in Dorset just up the road from Charlie the Bikemonger's shop, and not because it's completely chemical free, made from 100% natural ingredients and also vegan friendly.
It isn't a cream, or even very much like butter – well, maybe butter from the fridge as it's very solid in consistency, firmer even than lip balm, more like surf wax according to those who know such things.
But don't let that put you off.
As it's a firm ointment Happy Bottom Bum Butter requires a fair bit of mushing about with the fingers in the pot to harvest enough lubrication to smear about down there, no quick two-finger dips here, and if you can avoid it, no double-dipping, thanks. But unlike other creams you really don't need to gather much to go around, so this tub of Butter should last you a very long time; Charlie the Bikemonger says this 100ml jar should last you around 7,000 miles. We'll have to get back to you on that one.
Happy Bottom Bum Butter is full of really nice ingredients to stop things getting nasty in your crotch. There's clove oil in there for its anti-microbial properties, tee tree oil which is a natural antiseptic and also good for healing any damaged skin you might have, something the Egyptian geranium oil is also useful at doing. Made from these and other 100% chemical-free natural ingredients, it's also vegan friendly. I've never even wondered about the meat content of what I've slathered on my meat and two veg, but this sort of thing is important to quite a few people, so that's a good quality to have. It's also produced just up the road from the Bikemonger's shop in Swanage and supplied in a PET recyclable container so it's absolutely chock full of happy fluffy bunny huggy vibes.
Because it's a thick substance and not as easily spreadable as other chamois creams, you have to be quite, um, intimate with your bits to get it happily distributed. I guess if you're used to splodging things around your downstairs area then it's not such a big issue – it just feels even more immodest than usual. As you're rubbing it in you'll notice that Bum Butter has a pleasant scent, it's slightly medicinal and there's a gentle waft of cloves to it.
The Bum Butter absorbs really well into the skin, in fact it's hard to tell it's there. There's absolutely none of the off-putting sticky clamminess that some other chamois creams can suffer from, and there's no 'tingle' either; you may or may not see that as a good thing though.
And it works. Despite not being able to 'feel' it doing its lubricating job when riding along, like stickier balms, nevertheless things stayed comfortable in the undercarriage area for long days in the saddle. There was no fading after a few hours like some other creams I've tried, and there were no awkward saddle shuffles towards the end as a gentle wearing off of effectiveness down below led to discomfort. The tiny bit of extra work required on application at chamois-up is more than compensated for by exceptional longevity in the saddle.
The Bum Butter has fans in mountain bike cross-country racer, former British National Champion and current Ladies National Fatbike champion Lee Cragie, singlespeed round the world rider Markus Stitz, and Rio Olympics gold medal paralympic cyclist Karen Darke, so your bum is in well recommended happy company.
Very good non-sticky pleasant-smelling all-day tenacious balm, though a more hands-on application required
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road.cc test report
Make and model: Bikemongers Happy Bottom Bum Butter
Size tested: 100g
Tell us what the product is for, and who it's aimed at. What do the manufacturers say about it? How does that compare to your own feelings about it?
Charlie the Bikemonger says....
This is a wonderful locally produced vegan chamois balm / bum butter. It's not really made from vegans, but simply does not offend them.
Totally chemical free,100% natural ingredients.
Pain relief from clove oil - pretty clever eh?
Vegetable glycerine and Egyptian geranium oil absorbs to lower dermis, all the way in to really repair your damaged skin.
Antiseptic and anti-bacterial with tea tree oil to stop you growing diseases in your shorts.
PET recyclable containers (you can make fleece jackets out of them)
Tested in the most demanding conditions... in my shorts, on @rseholes and not on animals.
Vegan as hell.
Female friendly, it won't make your girly bits zing.
Does not repel sharks or polar bears.
100ml jar goes a very long way, around 7,000 miles.
Made by two great people in their kitchen, just up the road from my shop.
Endorsed and used by real pro cyclists: Lee Cragie - our Ladies National Fatbike champion loves the Happy Bottom Bum Butter. Markus Stitz - who is riding round the world single speed is begging for it. Lance Bumstrong the best fake cycling messiah we could find. Karen Darke winner of a Gold Olympic medal in the Rio Olympics.
I've not encountered any sharks or polar bears on my travels whilst testing so can't comment fully on this.
Tell us some more about the technical aspects of the product?
Ingredients – Brassica Campestris Oil (that's Rapeseed Oil to you and me), Macadamia Ternifolia Seed Oil, Ecosoya Soy Wax CB135, Coconut Butter, Vegetable Glycerine, Canola Oil, Essential Clove Bud Oil (Eugenia Caryophyllus), Essential Tea Tree Oil, Essential Geranium (Egyptian) Oil.
More like a wax than a cream or butter but with that comes clingy saddle-time longevity.
It's totally different to any other chamois cream that I've used but it works incredibly well.
Despite not ever having the sticky feeling that says it's 'there', it stays there for a long time.
Non clammy, non zingy, you don't know it's there.
It looks a lot of money for a small pot but that's going to last you some time.
Tell us how the product performed overall when used for its designed purpose
A chamois cream just has to keep things comfortable down there and friction-free for the duration of a ride, Happy Bottom Bum Butter did that without having the clammy and/or tingly attributes that can put people off other botty balms.
Tell us what you particularly liked about the product
Non tacky, pleasant smelling and works and lasts well in situ.
Tell us what you particularly disliked about the product
It's a solid unguent and more involving to apply than other more creamy chamois creams.
Did you enjoy using the product? Yes
Would you consider buying the product? Yes
Would you recommend the product to a friend? Yes, especially the #vegan ones.
Use this box to explain your score
It's a very different chamois cream but it works, the 100% natural vegan stuff is an added bonus if that sort of thing is your thing. I'm knocking it down a point because the more hands-on application might put some people off.
About the tester
I usually ride: It varies as to the season. My best bike is: The one I'm on at the time
I've been riding for: Over 20 years I ride: Most days I would class myself as: Experienced
I regularly do the following types of riding: road racing, cyclo cross, general fitness riding, fixed/singlespeed, mountain biking, fun
Jo Burt has spent the majority of his life riding bikes, drawing bikes and writing about bikes. When he's not scribbling pictures for the whole gamut of cycling media he writes words about them for road.cc and when he's not doing either of those he's pedaling. Then in whatever spare minutes there are in between he's agonizing over getting his socks, cycling cap and bar-tape to coordinate just so. And is quietly disappointed that yours don't He rides and races road bikes a bit, cyclo-cross bikes a lot and mountainbikes a fair bit too. Would rather be up a mountain.