It might be hysterical, it might be a flash in the pan; but there is no doubt that Reform UK are currently riding high in the polls, and threatening (or deservedly preparing, depending on who you ask) to form the next UK government if nothing changes in the next four years.

As a responsible publication*, we need to give a proper, serious, and considered overview on what this might mean for cyclists. Here are my predictions thus far…

The Ministry of Cycling (and Tax Rises)

Number plate
Number plate (Image Credit: Farrelly Atkinson)

The esteemed leader of Reform UK, Nigel Farage, has repeatedly called for cyclists to be registered. In 2020, Mr Farage said: “The time has come for cyclists to be licensed – and to be forced to obey the Highway Code like the rest of us”. 

Fantastic news! If Reform do win the next election, we can therefore expect them to build the ministry of cycling that will need to be created to set up the infrastructure to register every single bicycle in the land, record all bike sales on a centralised mega document, and make sure the road worthiness of all those bikes are also updated every year on another mega document.

They will also need to create the basic infrastructure to be able to do things like track the number plates on our bikes as we inevitably blast through the 100th red light of the day, effortlessly reaching speeds of 52mph as we chase Strava segments. If we just put those cameras on half of the traffic lights in the UK, that would mean around 17,000 cameras would be needed, which I am sure we will be able to pay for by… turning the small boats back around?

In the unlikely event that Reform UK have suggested an uncosted policy that doesn’t make any sense, would have almost no impact on the quality of life of people in the UK and is unaffordable, they could always just whack our taxes up by 10% like the freshly minted Reform council is trying to do in Worcestershire. Easy.

A strong focus on turn signals

Riding hand signals - turning.jpg
Riding hand signals - turning (Image Credit: Farrelly Atkinson)

If anybody believes that Reform are always against cyclists, then they clearly have not been spending much time researching them. I know for a fact there is a bit of cycling culture that Reform councillors and their supporters seem to enjoy more than almost anybody I’ve met: turn signals. 

While there is definitely some appetite from them to warn people about potholes, and a surprising fixation on movements to the right, turn signals are the thing that I’ve noticed some Reform voters are particularly interested in.

I have seen many Reform supporters signalling – and even Reform councillors eagerly standing next to – people who drape flags around their neck, drink warm lager, and repeatedly signal that they’re about to turn slightly ahead, slightly upwards, and slightly to the right. They do this very clearly, and make it very obvious with how straight their arms are, pointing every finger on the hand straight in the same direction. 

This kind of focus on turn signals, where they’re practising it even when not a bike, shows that this party really could take indicating etiquette to a whole new level. 

Strategic flags

Vizavee Reflective Union Jack Vest
Vizavee Reflective Union Jack Vest (Image Credit: Farrelly Atkinson)

Perhaps those Reform supporters that I’ve seen who have a never-ending fascination with those turn signals are doing so because they want to see more bikes back on the road, and not on those pesky cycle lanes.

Our esteemed leader of Reform UK even said in April this year: “You look at where they spend the money — tens of millions being spent on cycle lanes that no one uses, huge departments of people dealing with climate change, but all people really want are proper, well-run local services.” 

Setting aside that a lot of cycle lane funding comes from central government, this suggests that a Reform government would be looking to rip out as many cycle lanes as possible, not build more. This means cycling advocates need to get creative, so I believe the obvious way around this is to paint England – or at least Union Jack – flags all over the few cycle lanes we do have in Britain.  

We’ve seen the anger that many Reform supporters have expressed at anybody taking flags down from public property, and that this is quite possibly their Achilles’ heel. Say a committed cohort of cyclists were to go round in the dead of the night, painting flags on cycle lanes? I reckon it’s a safe bet if we want to preserve them.

In fact, I believe this could be a tactic deployed far beyond cycling. NHS bosses will present their budgets on an English flag so they can’t be taken away. We’ll see social enterprises for disenfranchised youths, where everybody paints flags on their faces while learning to sew, or helping a granny. 

The flag is both their source of strength, and their kryptonite. Cyclists can use this to their advantage.

We’ll need a bogeyman, and quickly

RAB swimming.png
RAB swimming (Image Credit: Farrelly Atkinson)

From where I’m standing, Reform’s schtick appears to be that the vast majority of issues in the UK are not caused by late-stage capitalism, Brexit, or a decade of austerity, but by foreigners.

In an alternative universe where Reform are somehow incorrect on this – but the same issues are inexplicably still present when they’ve succeeded in getting rid of all the foreigners – they will need someone else to blame. If the Daily Mail, the Telegraph and the Daily Express manage to exert their influence on a future Reform UK government, then that scapegoat will almost certainly be cyclists.

I can see the headlines: ‘NHS failing because of carnage caused by cyclists’; ‘Cyclists causing potholes by skidding’; ‘Cyclists causing global warming by farting and pedalling too hard’… we need to counter these. Not with facts, experts, or basic logic, but by fighting fire with fire. 

‘Footballers creating potholes by kicking balls too hard’; ‘NHS failing because of carnage caused by ginger people’; ‘Swimmers causing sea levels to rise’… sorted. 

*Not actually the official line of this publication, all opinions expressed my own etc