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news
parsons.pngDaily Mirror columnist gets on anti-cyclist bandwagon
Formerly a “hip young gunslinger” covering punk rock at the New Musical Express, Daily Mirror columnist Tony Parsons has become the latest national newspaper writer to follow the terrible journalist’s guide to writing an article about bicycles and crank out an opinion piece full of the same old nonsense.
Shortly after Jan Etherington had a pop at cyclists in the Daily Telegraph, the 'As Easy As Riding A Bike' blog brilliantly lampooned her column with a how-to article on writing an anti-cycling piece.
Parsons has followed the template to the letter.
Step One, according the blog, is to hang your column on a recent news story involving a bike. Better if the bike is somehow central to the story, but as long as there's one in shot somewhere, just go for it. Here's Parsons right on script:
“There is an explanation for Andrew Mitchell’s sneering arrogance towards the police that has been overlooked – the creep rides a bicycle.”
On to Step Two, which is to say something positive about cycling, so you sound open-minded. Parsons writes:
“Don’t get me wrong – cycling is great. You help the planet, you keep fit...”
So far so good, right? But here it comes:
“... and, best of all, you are completely free to ignore the red stoplights that apply to all other road users.”
Groundwork laid that cyclists are bunch of dreadful lawbeakers, Parsons gambols off to Step Three, make it obvious that it is the use of the bicycle itself that has somehow precipitated the bad behaviour:
“As Mitchell would no doubt tell you, there is one set of rules for pedestrians and motorists but, conveniently, no set of rules for cyclists.”
He's in the home straight now, so all that remains is to trot out as many cliches about cyclists as possible.
Describing being missed by a cyclist who ran a pedestrian red light while he and his daughter and dog were crossing, Parsons describes cyclists as “moronic Lycra louts that, no matter where you live, you see every day of your life – riding on the pavement, ignoring red lights, screaming abuse at anyone who raises an objection.”
So that's “cyclists all wear Lycra”, “cyclists ride on the pavement”, “cyclists run red lights” and “cyclists are angry” all crammed into one sentence. A virtuoso moment in terrible journalists writing about cycling, we're sure you will agree.
To his credit, Parsons manages to come up with a new reason to hate cyclists. The “bargain basement Bradley Wiggins” who “nearly killed [his] family” (by, lest we forget, not actually riding his bike into them at all) “had the nerve to be wearing a helmet.”
Chapeau! The usual complaint is that cyclists have no regard for their own safety, so it's a truly inspired to complain about one who does.
Parsons then goes off on the political rant he actually wants to write , but not before dropping in this gem: “It would be illuminating to learn how many pedestrians are crippled or killed by cyclists every year.”
It would indeed be illuminating, because the answer is 'almost none', as even the tiniest bit of Googling would have revealed. Maybe Tony doesn't like Google either - we'll do the legwork for him. Last year according to the DfT's road casualty statistics (it's on page 133 Tony) two pedestrians were killed in single incident collisions with bicycles and 99 seriously injured - the figure includes collisions on pavements. That's two deaths and 99 serious injuries too many but as a comparison 393 pedestrians were killed by motor vehicles last year and 4947 seriously injured..
Of course, if he'd had any facts, Parsons wouldn't have been able to lead into the terrible journalist's favourite cliché, that cyclists are all self-important: “The numbers must be mounting up – especially as cyclists become puffed up with post-Olympic self-importance.”
Glorious that isn't it? As a result of a few elite riders doing well, cyclists must have all started running down pedestrians.
Parsons wraps up with a final link between Mitchell's hissy fit and cyclists. “When he screamed swear words at innocent men and women from behind his little bike, he summed up everything that stinks about all those lousy cyclists.”
A nice combination of 'cyclists are angry' and 'cyclists are entitled' there, which is pretty remarkable coming from a man who was hired by Piers Morgan and whose job it is to be angry. But the plank in their own eye is always invisible to terrible journalists when they get desperate to fill this week's column and decide it's open season on cyclists.
John has been writing about bikes and cycling for over 30 years since discovering that people were mug enough to pay him for it rather than expecting him to do an honest day's work.
He was heavily involved in the mountain bike boom of the late 1980s as a racer, team manager and race promoter, and that led to writing for Mountain Biking UK magazine shortly after its inception. He got the gig by phoning up the editor and telling him the magazine was rubbish and he could do better. Rather than telling him to get lost, MBUK editor Tym Manley called John’s bluff and the rest is history.
Since then he has worked on MTB Pro magazine and was editor of Maximum Mountain Bike and Australian Mountain Bike magazines, before switching to the web in 2000 to work for CyclingNews.com. Along with road.cc founder Tony Farrelly, John was on the launch team for BikeRadar.com and subsequently became editor in chief of Future Publishing’s group of cycling magazines and websites, including Cycling Plus, MBUK, What Mountain Bike and Procycling.
John has also written for Cyclist magazine, edited the BikeMagic website and was founding editor of TotalWomensCycling.com before handing over to someone far more representative of the site's main audience.
He joined road.cc in 2013. He lives in Cambridge where the lack of hills is more than made up for by the headwinds.
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65 comments
Parsons has always been a bedwetting little PR1CK, always will be!!
Parsons is just another sad journalist who tries to create a stereotyped view of people, cyclists, whatever. It's because he hasn't the talent to make sensible comments. My advice to him is this:
Hmmm, maybe a bit late for that!
Better to be be silent and be THOUGHT of as a fool, than to open one's mouth and have all DOUBT removed.
An unpleasant fellow indeed. A couple of months ago he was spouting off in GQ about how men should always earn more than their female partners. The anti-cyclist bile does seem to be even weirder than usual, though.
P.S. His books are rubbish too, and his editors and publicists secretly loathe him.
It's a very lazy meme.
'Comedians' do it all the time. It has the happy combination of combining angry victimhood and a crowd-pleasing "Run the f*ckers over" punchline. - Because, under all anti-cyclist feeling is the basic fact that cyclists only live by the motorist deciding NOT to kill them.
Somehow, gleefully endorsing murder because "They're so smug" offends no-one. Except Cyclists, of course, because 'They can't take a joke'.
The KKK and the EDL have a very similar line with jokes about negroes but don't get such big audiences.
Thank you, Road Cc, for this article. I'm very reassured that it's been written.
His comment about him, his daughter, and his dog, nearly being killed by a cyclist, should be followed up.
Insist he gives us the time, date, and location, so we can see for ourselves on the security cameras.
That may be enough to get him sacked, although I doubt it.
I'd rather read the phone book than read the Daily Mirror, so consequently I have not had the dubious pleasure of even being aware of Tony Parsons' existence, much less reading any of his work.
It's been said that everybody needs someone who they can look down on, so, many thanks to road.cc for bringing his name to my attention.
As I'm a nondescript sort of guy whose major achievement in life has been being elected as president of one of the oldest cycling clubs in the land, I feel as though I have just grown a couple of inches in height.
Typical K Stand, always last to get involved....
Stuff Parsons....Mail/Mirror all the same
I wouldn't even use the mirror to wipe my arse with let alone read or look at a copy!
But this parsons bloke can come and wipe my arse if he likes!
although I have only the vaguest awareness of who Tony Parsons I have to say I am completely outraged! I've decided to burn my house down, cancel my MP and write to the local newsagent to express both my contempt and disgust. After this I shall be orchestrating a social media campaign to highlight my outrageously contemptuous disgust and make sure that, by golly, someone somewhere does something about it.
Yes, Tony's a tool, and I feel good about that rather than aggrieved. Well done for a nicely written piece John!
Another sad old man that needs to get a life.
I thought Tony Parsons had died of insignificance during the 90's?
Do the Mirror have a toilet with a notice above the roll holder: "Tony Parson article, please tear one off and use appropriately", I wonder? In which case this one escaped the flush and ended up being published?
Look, just remember that Julie said he was crap in bed...
see, don't you all feel better now?
They seem quite well matched as shes quite an odious one as well.
Crap out of bed too.
P.R.
Just a mixer. Ignore him. Take the wind out of his sails and then that will move him on to tennis or some other `sport`.
Actually, sounds like he's mellowed with age.
In 2002 he was one of the foaming-at-the-mouth columnists to complain about the possibility the UK might sign up to 'strict liability' (others were Clarkson and, oh, everyone else).
http://www.bikebiz.com/news/read/motoring-lobby-furious-about-eu-plans-t...
Parsons wrote:
"Bicycles are for children...[they are] like masturbation - something you should grow out of. There is something seriously sick and stunted about grown men who want to ride a bike.
"If we cared anything at all about road safety, then we would tear up all the bicycle lanes today. We would order traffic wardens to nick any cyclists who jumps a red lights - all of them in other words.
"And if we truly cared about safety on our roads, then we would make a bonfire of all those stupid hats, all that hideous Lycra and every bicycle in the land."
There is a good reason why Parsons is the only newspaper columnist to get lampooned in Viz (of all magazines) as Tony Parsehole.
[[[[ OY! PARSONS! You cun't call Andrew Mitchell a "cyclist"....how can he be, if he doesn't wear Lycra??
P.R.
That Tony Arsons.....clearly a case of Early-Onset Dementia. If not, he's just joined the Nasty Party.
P.R.
What a no66er
Oh and leave a message on their fb page.
If you want to complain to the Mirror group it's mailbox [at] mirror.co.uk. I'm sending one to let them know I'm never buying another Mirror group publication, not that I do anyway.
Tony Parsons putting the c in cretin.
Putting the ars(e) in Parsons.
Mr Parsons doesn't seem intelligent to realise that just because Mitchell is an arrogant, upper class twit, it doesn't necessarily that all other cyclists are.
I've read quite a bit of his output over the years and enjoyed some of it too. I'll make a point to avoid him in future.
Well at least with having a dig at people on bikes ('All the bloody same' TM) it's a recent bandwagon. I think tabloid hacks have been generally disliked since they existed?
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