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Cyclist catches driver watching adult film and 'spanking the monkey' in heavy London traffic

“How is this one for a ‘distracted’ driver... We have to share the roads with these people FFS!”

If you thought holding a mobile phone while driving — already illegal under Rule 149 of the Highway Code — couldn't get any worse, think again. 

A cyclist caught a driver watching an adult film on his mobile phone and indulging in an act of self-pleasure — or 'spanking the monkey' as described by the cyclist — while navigating heavy traffic at Cannon Street, London.

*Warning: NSFW images and swearing follow*

Greg was rolling merrily along Cannon Street listening to the Hoodoo Gurus when he came across the man holding the phone and driving a van owned by a security intelligence company. He exclaimed: "Another one! How is that? Watching videos, no idea. F****** hell!"

Both of them set off, and it's only until they come to a halt at a red light ahead that the cyclist realised what was going on inside the van cabin.

"F****** porn! Driving around and watching porn," he said out loud. "Are you f***** kidding me? He's having a w*** as well!"

Greg burst out laughing, probably much to the curiosity of the onlookers, blissfully unaware of the deeds of the driver, and maybe also the fact who they are sharing the road with.

> Driver caught using mobile phone launches foul-mouthed tirade at CyclingMikey — and accuses him of supporting Chelsea

He posted the video of the incident on Twitter, writing: "How is this one for a "distracted" driver! Driving past London Cannon Street at peak hour with pedestrians crossing everywhere while watching porn and spanking the monkey. We have to share the roads with these people FFS!"

It has since been reported that the driver was sacked by Custom Intelligence Security after an 'urgent investigation'.

People on social media noted that the company which owns the van offers risk analysis as one of its services, while one person commented that the driver's usage wasn't very hands-free...

Channel 5 presenter Jeremy Vine who also frequently (almost daily) shares footage of drivers operating carelessly on the roads, reposted the video, saying: "Masturbating at the wheel of a vehicle while watching porn. This is extreme even for Cannon Street".

Adwitiya joined road.cc in 2023 as a news writer after graduating with a masters in journalism from Cardiff University. His dissertation focused on active travel, which soon threw him into the deep end of covering everything related to the two-wheeled tool, and now cycling is as big a part of his life as guitars and football. He has previously covered local and national politics for Voice Wales, and also likes to writes about science, tech and the environment, if he can find the time. Living right next to the Taff trail in the Welsh capital, you can find him trying to tackle the brutal climbs in the valleys.

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23 comments

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Vo2Maxi | 8 months ago
2 likes

Fined £500 for the money shot.

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blinddrew | 8 months ago
0 likes

Checked this story for the comments, did not disappoint!

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Dnnnnnn replied to blinddrew | 8 months ago
3 likes

We always pull it off.

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steadyrolling | 8 months ago
4 likes

He wasn't sacked - he retired with a golden handshake.

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brakesmadly | 8 months ago
1 like

How could he concentrate? All those bright lights and moving vehicles must be so distracting.

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Rendel Harris replied to brakesmadly | 8 months ago
3 likes
mbrads72 wrote:

How could he concentrate? All those bright lights and moving vehicles must be so distracting.

Well you have to take account of the fact that he's probably made himself almost blind…

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Vo2Maxi replied to brakesmadly | 8 months ago
2 likes

Probably put him right off his stroke...

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brakesmadly | 8 months ago
3 likes

When driving in London you're never going to 'arrive' too quickly.

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Spammercial | 8 months ago
1 like

And the winner is.....

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bike_food | 8 months ago
5 likes

Now I know what the hard shoulder is for

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belugabob | 8 months ago
6 likes

Obviously not hands-free

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nniff | 8 months ago
5 likes

Rear-ending someone and bump & grind take on some new meanings....

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Rendel Harris replied to nniff | 8 months ago
16 likes
nniff wrote:

Rear-ending someone and bump & grind take on some new meanings....

"Honestly officer, he just came out of nowhere..."

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Woldsman | 8 months ago
17 likes

If this comes to court he'll claim exceptional hardship. 

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Sriracha | 8 months ago
9 likes

He got his comeuppance.

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Rendel Harris replied to Sriracha | 8 months ago
8 likes
Sriracha wrote:

He got his comeuppance.

You'd have thought he'd have realised it could only come to a sticky end...

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the5krunner | 8 months ago
5 likes

I want to know if any monkeys were hurt in the making of that video. If so we should get the animal rights people involved, more people seem to care about animals than cyclists.

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RoubaixCube | 8 months ago
9 likes

Caught with his hand on the wrong gear stick.

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IanMSpencer | 8 months ago
1 like
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lesterama | 8 months ago
3 likes

Actual proof it's not just cyclists who are w@nkers

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Shake | 8 months ago
5 likes

In the fast lane for getting on the sex offenders register 

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Rendel Harris | 8 months ago
13 likes

So many wankers driving in London…

(Come on, somebody had to do it)

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