The whole ‘You know you’re a cyclist when’ trope is an easy page-filling internet landfill listicle that’s a flippant bingo card exam to earn your acceptance into The Club, whatever that may be, and that’s only once you’ve sweet-talked your way past the grumpy-yet-amiable-in-the-end gatekeeper.
It usually starts with the clichéd qualifier of shaving your legs, then continues to riding your first 100-miler. Then we travel past having more cycling shoes than normal shoes, knowing the exact weight of your bike but not the colour of your partner’s eyes, and finishes somewhere around about having a separate razor especially for those legs, which is when you know you’ve finally made it to the highest echelon of this made-up peloton.
They’re all jolly fun rusty stereotypes and mildly chucklesome status qualifiers to work through to help validate your wheeled existence if you needed to, even if they do veer dangerously towards the Velominati at times. Although it seems that most everyone happily ignores that set of eye-rolling commandments these days.
Your definition of what makes you A Cyclist will probably vary wildly, and you may not even want to be categorised as one and happily just be a person on a bike enjoying the breeze of nuanced distinction; but none of these oft-regurgitated badges of honour are the whole story of spending time on a bike. It is those little moments in between the milestone distances, desperately justifying the cost of fancy parts, abiding by some arcane laws, finding the perfect sock length and participating in strange faux-religious rituals that have scarred my memory, impacted me and defined me more as A Cyclist than anything else.
Without further ado, here are the things I truly think define someone as A Cyclist…
1. You’ve broken something brand new on its first ride
2. You’ve had a near-death moment where, thanks only to the grace of your God and not by any skill on your part, you’ve somehow got away with it
3. You’ve suffered a terminal mechanical and had a long walk home in the wrong shoes
4. You’ve taken your bike on holiday… and it’s arrived three days later
5. You’ve broken a collarbone
6. You’ve sat down by the side of the road with your head in your hands, sobbing with tiredness
7. You’ve been so cold and wet that you can’t get the key in the front door
8. You’ve had to knock on the door of a camper van parked by the side of the road to ask if they have any food
9. You’ve had a crash where the cost of trashed components and ripped clothing has been significantly more traumatic than the bodily injuries
10. You’ve overdone it and got ill for months
11. You’ve had a friend killed by a car driver while just out riding their bike
There are times when I’ll proudly identify as A Cyclist, and more than often I’m quite happy to scoot around the corner and distance myself from that epithet, but I can tick a lot off this Cyclist List without being in a desperate hurry to shout ‘full house’. There is one that has evaded me, but to mention it would be not just tempting fate with a pssstpssstpsssst, but offering it a large plate of sausages. I do have a hell of a lot of cleated shoes though…
32 thoughts on “You actually know you’re a ‘proper’ cyclist when…”
I love tongue-in-cheek
I love tongue-in-cheek chuckling at events and stereotypes, and hate the exclusionary idea of correct ‘rules’.
But with christmas party season upon is, I’ll add “When new acquaintances find out you are a cyclist, and start to say “the thing about cyclists is….”, and you don’t hear the rest because your ears and brain automatically shut down”
Also…..some of my best
Also…..some of my best friends are cyclists but….
good read!
good read!
11
“11.”
not so sure this is right (will a nr death do? very common)
When your hands are so cold
When your hands are so cold that you cannot unclip your helmet, so you have to sit at your office desk with it on, until your hands thaw.
Fun piece… till the ‘dead
Fun piece… till the ‘dead friend’. Bit of a mood killer.
I’ll add a positive-ish one –
I’ll add a positive-ish one – “when you lose count of the suprise close encounters of the near-deadly kind with drivers, but remember every surprise close encounter of the magical kind with random wildlife”. Summer early morning and evening rides in the lanes round my way often lead to hares running alongside (bloomin’ fast!), a few owls swooping along the lane, the odd hawk munching on roadkill, that squeaking sound you think is a unlubricated component but which turns out to be a flock of starlings.
Lovely moments… thank you
Lovely moments… thank you for telling us.
If you have a bike – you are
If you have a bike – you are a cyclist, End of.
The ‘A cyclist’ tag you give yourself is for those who think they are a better cyclist than most.
I would extend that to you
I would extend that to you have a bike and ride it.
Going by that stupid list I’m not a real cyclist (Ive never broke a collar bone etc) but I think haven recorded over 177,000 miles on bikes, I do ride. Perhaps I’m just a person on a bike 😉
Quote:
Bloody hell, that escalated quickly at the end
Mark, I think Malone. He was
Mark, I think Malone. He was in the lower sixth, yateley comp, I in the upper. When I’d been doing my modular technology O level project he’d pop in and chat. I’d been working at Camberley McDonald’s for a year and a bit, he’d only just started, still a green badge.
We were both on a 5-11.45 on a Friday night, he left on time, I stayed till just after midnight, helping on “the count”, off the clock, it’s just what you did. Got changed and started to ride home. Peugeot racer.
The A30 was closed at the top of the hill, police directing traffic over the hump road by the cinema. I saw bike lights on the road.
Got home just as my parents were leaving. They were off to the hospital to identify what must have been a body. Police had found a McDonald’s uniform in the bag, phoned the store and then phoned both of our folks.
Patch of sand in the road on my to work the next afternoon.
I just couldn’t handle going to the funeral.
It should have been me.
I don’t know how long ago
I don’t know how long ago this was, but: I hope you are coping okay now.
Sorry Jo, I normally enjoy
Sorry Jo, I normally enjoy reading your blogs but this is awful.
I consider myself a cyclist but with the exception of 2 and 7 nothing on your list applies to me.
I did get so cold once that I had to ask my daughter to help take off my overshoes!!
Quote:
That’s a bit of an extreme thing to have done just to be able to call yourself a cyclist…
Rendel Harris wrote:
You have to cooperate with your foes within the peloton, but the moment they’re outside it…
Cycle commuting is a brutal sport.
Rendel Harris wrote:
Also, does that mean you can’t be a cyclist if you don’t have any friends (or at least friends who cycle)?
Asking for, er, a friend…
As I understand it, you can
As I understand it, you can be a cyclist without friends only if all your friends have been killed.
Realising that your “day ride
Realising that your “day ride” has gone on so long that all your light sources have died and trying to work out where you can get replacements, then rigging mounts for cheap torches with gaffer tape?
I thought it was ‘you do a
I thought it was ‘you do a shoulder check when getting up to go the loo at a restaurant’.
Just No7 where I was too cold
No7 where I was too cold to lock bike after cycling in sleet to Uni without gloves on.
And sadly No. 11, though not a friend as such, but a ex-flatmate
You’ve ridden so far that
You’ve ridden so far that sitting on the concrete curb/kerb is more comfortable than your saddle right now.
Given a pizza cutter in the
Given a pizza cutter in the shape of a bike …..
5, 6, 7 & 9…although to be
5, 6, 7 & 9…although to be fair it was the back door to the garage that could have done with keyless entry.
9/11 happy to stop there!
9/11 happy to stop there!
16 broken bones, TBI and
16 broken bones, TBI and needed CPR several times…. none of them collar bone though.
Do I qualify for 11 … even though the CPR worked?
Not done 4 or 8 … but pretty much everything else.
Bent a crank arm on a maiden ride; on the same bike I managed to get through 4 rear mechs in 18 months.
As for 7 … I ride in Scotland. That’s just another summer’s day … ?
Done 1-10. Fortunately haven
Done 1-10. Fortunately haven’t had 11.
(number 8 involved some weird stuff I’m not gonna share)
(4) would seem to presume
(4) would seem to presume flying with your bike, which I guess is standard in these parts, but us luddites would usually set out on holiday *on* our bikes or have them not more than a couple of meters away (car or train).
(5) will shoulder do? It’s close…
(10) of course might come about through less … healthy hobbies…
Another – you’re surprised when someone mentions your outdoor wear is grubby. Surely having chain oil/water marks and scuffs on things you use most days is normal, you think?
3 – Rode over a wood tiling
3 – Rode over a wood tiling batten that had fallen off a skip, somewhere near the Royal Academy in Mayfair. Got double punctures in both tyres. Pleaded with a couple of bus drivers to let me on, to no avail. Had to walk home to Shepherd’s Bush (about 5 miles). After the first few hundred yards I hung my shoes on the brake hoods, stuffed my socks in to my jersey pocket and continued home in bare feet. Actually, that was surprisingly liberating!
5 – Yes, but I was on my motorbike. Does that count?
Walking barefoot is
Walking barefoot is ‘liberating’, on grass or (fairly) smooth paving… well done.
Having to unzip your mate’s
Having to unzip your mate’s jacket during the Tour of Flanders because it is so cold their fingers are no longer working and they need a pee.
Someone who cycles three
Someone who cycles three miles into town at 3pm on a November afternoon in continuous light rain, temperature 4’Centigrade, to get food is a cyclist.