April 1: Pearl Izumi tests chamois insert by taking it all the way to Uranus

Well, it is April 1st...

by Simon_MacMichael   April 1, 2010  

Uranus - David Zabriskie on his way.png

US-based cycling clothing firm Pearl Izumi has revealed that it is working on a project, kept secret until now, to test its new chamois insert in outer space to help ensure that you get the maximum comfort possible during your ride on that most delicate of contact points with the bike, your rear end.

The project will see Pearl Izumi take its 4D chamois insert, used in its Pro Series cycling shorts, to one of the most harsh environments in the solar system, Uranus, based on the premise that if it’s up to job there, it will cut it on the road back on Planet Earth.

As for the insert itself, Pealr Izumi's Cache Mundy said: "We used computer pressure map testing to pinpoint the exact location, thickness and density of our chamois padding technology to key contact points for optimal short and long-distance riding comfort."

Mundy, described as lead director of Pearl Izumi's top secret Project Uranus, added: "This technology will dampen vibrations which can lead to rider fatigue and numbness, and will allow riding enthusiasts of all skill levels to reach their riding goals, whether it's an epic ride with your local bike club, or long-distance treks to Uranus."

Experts have cast doubt, however, on Pearl Izumi’s claims to have conducted research on Uranus. We spoke to Dr Hans van Komfiars, a senior bicycle research fellow at the University of Spokenweels in The Netherlands, who said: “For sure this is a spoof. Pearl Izumi says it’s invested ‘millions of dollars’ in the project – come on guys, this is the cycling industry we’re talking about, you’ll have to try harder than that!”

Pearl Izumi has, however, produced video evidence to back up its claims, with a journalist interviewing key members of the project staff to get to the bottom of their obsession with Uranus, together with footage of David Zabriskie apparently on his way to the planet to carry out testing.

We’re not being caught out on this of all days, so we referred the video to our panel of linguistic experts – we feel it’s always useful to have one on hand, just in case – which is chaired by Professor Hugh Ermissus of the University of London’s specialist double entendre research facility at Pratts Bottom, near Orpington.

“The clue this is a fake lies in the pronunciation of ‘Uranus,’” he explained. “Throughout the video, the journalist says ‘your ay-nus,’ much as a 13-year-old schoolboy would, rather than the ‘your-uh-nus’ pronunication favoured by science teachers. That proves that the woman is an imposter, a comedy actress, perhaps – no serious journalist would ever stoop to such a puerile attempt at humour.”


7 user comments

Oldest firstNewest firstBest rated

Used to do a time trial up Pratts Bottom. Made me chuckle every time

NickInBath's picture

posted by NickInBath [41 posts]
1st April 2010 - 13:24


I sometimes cycle through Six Mile Bottom, which I find even funnier.

two wheels good; four wheels bad

posted by cat1commuter [1403 posts]
1st April 2010 - 13:36


Pearl Izumi clearly has some pain in the Rs, which explains the need for this development.


posted by OldRidgeback [2492 posts]
1st April 2010 - 15:26


There's a butthole lane round the corner here, which I found quite amusing. You have to come up with a better fake uni next time Wink

posted by JJ the Flying D... [65 posts]
1st April 2010 - 16:16


Pump Bottom Farm is the king of amusingly bottom related place names. Well, that or Bummers Hill.

posted by GavinT [77 posts]
5th July 2011 - 11:53


There's an Adams Bottom in Leighton Buzzard. I've not met Adam though, Rolling On The Floor

David Palmer
Milton Keynes

Specialized Secteur Elite 2013
Team Raleigh Road Bike
Carrera Vulcan V-Spec

djpalmer32's picture

posted by djpalmer32 [68 posts]
1st April 2015 - 12:59

fukawitribe's picture

posted by fukawitribe [861 posts]
1st April 2015 - 13:16