[IanMSpencer]

There is the published Highway Code, but after some years, we all realise that there is a real Highway Code that is shared between drivers.

I think it is important for safety that the true highway code is properly documented.

Perhaps you can help.

Topic

[Seventyone]

This is fun!
If you have your BOLAs on you can perform any manoeuvre you like, including pulling out from where you have parked halfway onto the pavement in front of other road users, as you have clearly advertised you are a hazard so now it is everyone else’s responsibility to stay out of your way. Mirrors are for losers anyway

[Seventyone]

And also
And also

If there are two lanes on the approach to a junction, one for people turning left and one for people turning right, feel free to use the left hand one to undertake a person on a bike using the right hand lane.

If doing so means that person then has to brake hard as you undertake almost straight into them, that’s their fault as they were in the middle of the road anyway, and they aren’t really a vehicle, and they shouldn’t be on the roads ,and they don’t pay road tax, and you saw one jump a red light once…

[IanMSpencer]

When driving an HGV, you may
When driving an HGV, you may use the full width of the hard shoulder when drinking coffee, urinating or watching porn on your smart phone.*

* I think I need an Oxford comma.

[wtjs]

A smartphone set to handsfree

A smartphone set to handsfree is always fully legal, especially when held in the hand

This is sorcery! This HC must have been brought into use on 1st January here in Lancashire

[ktache]

A smartphone set to handsfree

A smartphone set to handsfree is always fully legal, especially when held in the hand.

[IanMSpencer]

If you see a speed camera van
If you see a speed camera van you must:

* Slow immediately to 10mph below the indicated speed limit, regardless of current speed.

* Drive like a granny for the next 800 metres then accelerate wildly to normal cruising speed.

If you receive a FPN, proceed to the nearest bar, preferably by car, and ensure than all fellow drinkers know that the police should be spending their time on more important things, while getting rat-arsed for the drive home.

If you receive a Drive Awareness Course invite, remember to tell all attendees that your speed was perfectly acceptable because:

A) modern cars can stop on a sixpence.*

B) Your car is not designed to driven the speed limits, end of.

C) the Government expects you to save fuel by driving in a high gear, so driving to speed limits is against government advice as the car judders and stalls below 35mph in top gear.**

*OK 5p

** A true story.

[quiff]

I used to regularly encounter

I used to regularly encounter a guy who parked (or more usually double parked) and left the engine running while he got out and queued for a coffee. Said it wasn’t good for his car to start and stop it, and that it would pollute more if he did. I pointed out that the manufacturer had designed it to work that way and had fitted it with stop/start, which he had seen fit to disable.   

[IanMSpencer]

Stop lines indicate the need
At a junction, Stop lines indicate the need to slow down a bit. Where a cycle lane is indicated, you SHOULD advance to the lane marking, ideally with front bumper overhanging the marking by a foot to signal that you require any traffic on the major road to stop to permit you to immediately proceed.

[brooksby]

If you are waiting to come

If you are waiting to come out of a side road onto a main road, and the only approaching vehicle is a bicycle, then you should wait until you see the white’s of their eyes before pulling out.  Just to be sure.

[IanMSpencer]

When driving at high speed on
When driving at high speed on a motorway, you MUST either:

A) Plough down the outermost lane without regard for other traffic. You SHOULD NOT use your brakes unless essential to avoid the idiot in front.

B) wait until the last possible moment (V2) to pull out when overtaking, without signalling. Immediately when you have passed the vehicle, you MUST swerve violently left and signal moving to the leftmost lane.

In this way you can demonstrate that you are an expert high speed driver and educate all other road users on correct lane discipline which is much more important than speed.

Note, Audi, Mercedes and BMW drivers are permitted to drive up to 29mph more than the posted speed limit. Jaguar and Range Rover drivers should not attempt the same speeds as the engine is likely to fall out after 5 miles. Audi A3 drivers have no speed restrictions (including 1.0l models).

Nissan and Honda Jazz drivers may only occupy the middle lane. They may accelerate to maximum speed while the lane is clear, then must wait patiently upon reaching the next vehicle until it either exits the motorway or moves to the right or left. Undertaking is permitted.

[quiff]

Rendel Harris wrote:

Rule 123. The driver and the environment. You MUST NOT leave a parked vehicle unattended with the engine running or leave a vehicle engine running unnecessarily while that vehicle is stationary on a public road. UNLESS:

A) It’s too cold and you want to keep the heater running;

B) It’s too hot and you want to keep the aircon running;

C) You simply can’t be arsed to turn the key.

D) You need to charge your battery powered tools

[Hirsute]

If a driver pulls out from a

If a driver pulls out from a side road then proceeds in the same direction as you, you must accelerate into the hazard whilst blaring your horn and save the dashcam segment for a youtube submission.

[Rendel Harris]

Living about half a mile from

Living about half a mile from Zone 2 railway station, before we got controlled parking in our street we would get a significant number of people driving from zones further out to take advantage of the cheaper ticket prices; if they got here early, they would sit in the parking space with the engine running, literally every morning I would have to go out and explain that we didn’t really fancy being fumigated today, thanks. To be fair, most people switch off when asked, but given that it’s in the highway code you really shouldn’t have to be. 

[BalladOfStruth]

This is one of my pet wind

This is one of my pet wind-ups. I hate it when I’m sat somewhere waiting for someone/something and some prick pulls up next to you in a car and just leaves the engine running for 20 mins. SO many people do it!

[chrisonabike]

“The overall goal of this
“The overall goal of this code is the maximisation of motor vehicle throughput”.

Everything else follows from there. Same as the real one.

[Author]

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