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DEAR DOUCHEBAG BIKE THIEF.... ‘poor student’ writes to criminal who stole Giant bike

Give up now, says student to bike thief - you're on CCTV and my bike has a GPS tracker...

A student who had their bike stolen - but with the help of a GPS tracker found out where the thief lives - has posted a decidedly old school printed message to the thief telling them to return the bike or face a knock on the door from the Plod.

The victim explains how, having been a victim of bike theft before, he or she decided to put a tracker in the frame. Whats more, the letter said, the thief was caught on CCTV stealing from the station bike shelter.

The letter then gives the thief until the end of the week to return the grey Giant bike before they are visited by "our Majesty's finest."

The letter was shared to thousands on Twitter as one user captioned it: "This must have been the best feeling ever".

The letter:

DEAR DOUCHEBAG BIKE THIEF

Fantastic! I've grabbed your attention

Hi there! You stole my bike last night, admittedly I was kind of ticked off about this, but less so when I realised that you left your face on camera at the station. And also you may have not realised but this is not the first bike I've had stolen, so I put a tracer inside the bike frame. So unfortunately for you, I know where you live. Please dear bike thief, don't take this as a threat, I'm sure you had your reasons, I just want my bike back.

All I am asking is if you return the bike before the end of the week, that will be the end of it. If not: You'll be getting a visit by our Majesty's finest.

In case you've taken more than one bike, mine was the grey Giant.

Have a good day!

Sincerely, the poor student with no money, but a working printer

 

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38 comments

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dwbeever | 9 years ago
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a foolish appeal to find the better nature of a criminal! he's just alerted the thief, who will now have plenty of time to ditch/sell the bike. after that, there is little that can be pinned on the individual, even with a tracked address....

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andyp | 9 years ago
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'subjugating and pillaging your ancestors'

Actual lol. God bless her, she does a wonderful job. I certainly wouldn't be able to do all that waving.

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SideBurn | 9 years ago
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The Queen has a job to do... she get did not apply for it or ask for it... she gets paid for it... in my opinion she does a good job of it... some nice perks of the job... but she is still welcome to it....
Would be interesting if she had stolen the bike....
"You are nicked your Majesty"
"No I am not... I can do no wrong... it says so in our unwritten constitution...."
"Where is it not written in our unwritten constitution?"
"Look son, just piss off before I have you locked up...."
The Queen cycles off flicking the v's as she goes...

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truffy | 9 years ago
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Although the Queen is paid from the public purse, the money is raised from the Crown Estate, which was the property estate that her ancestors built by subjugating and pillaging your ancestors.

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andyp | 9 years ago
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'You don't own the Queen, the Queen owns you bitch!'

I pay for her, so I (part) own her.

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DaveE128 | 9 years ago
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Hope he gets the bike back, but it looks a lot to me like a bluff. Otherwise he'd have just call the police surely?

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truffy | 9 years ago
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True, that.

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andyp | 9 years ago
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'Obviously foreign? Then why "our majesty's (sic) finest" rather than "her Majesty's finest"?'

I beleive the miserable old cow is queen of various countries.

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Leviathan replied to andyp | 9 years ago
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andyp wrote:

'Obviously foreign? Then why "our majesty's (sic) finest" rather than "her Majesty's finest"?'

I beleive the miserable old cow is queen of various countries.

It should be Her Majesty's finest as in HMS or as in 'at Her Majesty's pleasure.' You don't own the Queen, the Queen owns you bitch!

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stuartp | 9 years ago
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Either way it would be nice if he got his bike back.

Can anyone who is on twitter confirm if that is the case yet?

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OldRidgeback | 9 years ago
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I don't understand why the student hasn't just called the cops.

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truffy replied to OldRidgeback | 9 years ago
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OldRidgeback wrote:

I don't understand why the student hasn't just called the cops.

I know I bloody would

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Airzound | 9 years ago
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I might post a similar notice asking for the time back from this time thief as it has taken me 5 minutes to read this rubbish article and following comments.  45

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stuartp | 9 years ago
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Well I guess as he can't go for a ride, so he decided to spend some quality time Photoshopping pictures to put on Twitter  3

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Quince | 9 years ago
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If you zoom RIIIGHT the way in, you can see that the text is surrounded by 'noise'/greyish fuzzy stuff that is shaped suspiciously. It's all rectangular, which makes it look like it wasn't a natural picture, but inserted there afterwards. The 'DEAR' bit also seems a slightly off.

It's odd though, you'd think if someone wanted to fake it, they'd just print a real one themselves and take a picture of that... The world is full of mysteries...

I like the idea of 'our Majesty's finest' though. It sounds a bit more egalitarian than 'her Majesty's finest', because this way, we all get to be Majesties. That's nice.

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anarchy replied to Quince | 9 years ago
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Quince wrote:

If you zoom RIIIGHT the way in, you can see that the text is surrounded by 'noise'/greyish fuzzy stuff that is shaped suspiciously. It's all rectangular, which makes it look like it wasn't a natural picture, but inserted there afterwards. The 'DEAR' bit also seems a slightly off.

It's odd though, you'd think if someone wanted to fake it, they'd just print a real one themselves and take a picture of that... The world is full of mysteries...

I like the idea of 'our Majesty's finest' though. It sounds a bit more egalitarian than 'her Majesty's finest', because this way, we all get to be Majesties. That's nice.

you get that fuzziness when you compress an image, probably not there on the original

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gb901 | 9 years ago
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More to the point: who the hell are "our Majesty's finest"? Certainly can't be referring to plod!

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james123 | 9 years ago
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I think most of you are missing a good opportunity to unite against bike thieves. Whether this is real or fake, poor grammar or a bluff, who cares? Let's use any weapon in our arsenal to disrupt, deter and bring to justice bike thieves and handlers.
Yeh!  41

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Beaufort | 9 years ago
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At least Critchio knows what he's on about

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Flying Scot | 9 years ago
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It's possible, it just won't be in the seat tube....don't want to spoil it, but there are a number of places they can be concealed.

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Joeinpoole | 9 years ago
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Calls himself "a student" with sentence structure and grammar as bad as that? Looks like he's barely literate to me.

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koko56 replied to Joeinpoole | 9 years ago
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Joeinpoole wrote:

Calls himself "a student" with sentence structure and grammar as bad as that? Looks like he's barely literate to me.

 29

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Joeinpoole replied to koko56 | 9 years ago
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koko56 wrote:
Joeinpoole wrote:

Calls himself "a student" with sentence structure and grammar as bad as that? Looks like he's barely literate to me.

 29

What does that mean? Are you 'rolling eyes' in support of my position that the "student" has a painfully poor ability to express himself in the English language ... or are you claiming that it doesn't matter?

Why don't you just use the English language to express yourself? If you did I might have half a chance of understanding you.

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Toxmarz replied to Joeinpoole | 9 years ago
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Doesn't say he's an English major. Maybe a foreign student studying math or science.

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truffy replied to Joeinpoole | 9 years ago
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Joeinpoole wrote:

Calls himself "a student" with sentence structure and grammar as bad as that? Looks like he's barely literate to me.

More a reflection on falling standards in education. He just collected enough cereal packet tokens to get into what passes for uni these days.

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andyp replied to truffy | 9 years ago
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truffy wrote:
Joeinpoole wrote:

Calls himself "a student" with sentence structure and grammar as bad as that? Looks like he's barely literate to me.

More a reflection on falling standards in education. He just collected enough cereal packet tokens to get into what passes for uni these days.

Be fair. Obviously a foreign student, by the use of 'douchebag'. It's not a bad stab at English.

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truffy replied to andyp | 9 years ago
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andyp wrote:

Be fair. Obviously a foreign student, by the use of 'douchebag'. It's not a bad stab at English.

Obviously foreign? Then why "our majesty's (sic) finest" rather than "her Majesty's finest"?

But you're right in that "douchebag" is more of an Americanism.

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Leeroy_Silk | 9 years ago
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If you know the thief lives, why not just post the letter through their letterbox?
Seems a bit daft leaving it in the place where is was stolen in the vein hope the thief might return and see it.

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bikebot | 9 years ago
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Sounds like a bluff, but good luck to him. It may not be fair to stereotype an entire profession, but I'm yet to see one appear on Mastermind...

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WolfieSmith | 9 years ago
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All a bit prissy and elaborate. He might just as well wait for the thief to come back, slap the thief's cheek with a glove and demand satisfaction.  37

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