DEAR DOUCHEBAG BIKE THIEF.... ‘poor student’ writes to criminal who stole Giant bike

Give up now, says student to bike thief - you're on CCTV and my bike has a GPS tracker

by Sarah Barth   August 10, 2014  

Letter © Twitter Blaze

A student who had their bike stolen - but with the help of a GPS tracker found out where the thief lives - has posted a decidedly old school printed message to the thief telling them to return the bike or face a knock on the door from the Plod.

The victim explains how, having been a victim of bike theft before, he or she decided to put a tracker in the frame. Whats more, the letter said, the thief was caught on CCTV stealing from the station bike shelter.

The letter then gives the thief until the end of the week to return the grey Giant bike before they are visited by "our Majesty's finest."

The letter was shared to thousands on Twitter as one user captioned it: "This must have been the best feeling ever".

<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

The letter:

DEAR DOUCHEBAG BIKE THIEF

Fantastic! I've grabbed your attention

Hi there! You stole my bike last night, admittedly I was kind of ticked off about this, but less so when I realised that you left your face on camera at the station. And also you may have not realised but this is not the first bike I've had stolen, so I put a tracer inside the bike frame. So unfortunately for you, I know where you live. Please dear bike thief, don't take this as a threat, I'm sure you had your reasons, I just want my bike back.

All I am asking is if you return the bike before the end of the week, that will be the end of it. If not: You'll be getting a visit by our Majesty's finest.

In case you've taken more than one bike, mine was the grey Giant.

Have a good day!

Sincerely, the poor student with no money, but a working printer

 

38 user comments

Latest 30 commentsNewest firstBest ratedAll

russwparkin wrote:
gps tracker, yeah alright, powered by what? and you ever tried to get your gps sat nav to work in the house? the clue is in the 's'

you aint picking up satellites in an enclosed 2mm thick alloy / carbon tube.

fail

Actually there is a way of getting GPS to tell you which house to knock on. I dont want to say too much on here as tealeaf ****s might be reading. Security personnel have used as much, and the Police to deal with prolific mobile phone thieves.

downfader's picture

posted by downfader [204 posts]
10th August 2014 - 15:13

2 Likes

Joeinpoole wrote:
Calls himself "a student" with sentence structure and grammar as bad as that? Looks like he's barely literate to me.

Rolling Eyes

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koko56's picture

posted by koko56 [322 posts]
10th August 2014 - 15:34

49 Likes

It's possible, it just won't be in the seat tube....don't want to spoil it, but there are a number of places they can be concealed.

All Campag

posted by Flying Scot [543 posts]
10th August 2014 - 16:19

3 Likes

russwparkin wrote:
gps tracker, yeah alright, powered by what? and you ever tried to get your gps sat nav to work in the house? the clue is in the 's'

you aint picking up satellites in an enclosed 2mm thick alloy / carbon tube.

fail

GPS bike trackers do work. theya re small enough to go in seat tubes, or or steering stems. The Police use them on bait bikes. They can track the bike inside buildings to within 2 meters, they are that accurate. Some have SIM cards in them too and are activated by SMS. The battery power is an issue yes, once activated you dont have long to find the bike or you have to keep charging them up. And they do work well inside bike frames. Don't assume they are shit because all you have knowledge of is a sat nav app on a smart phone. The SIM card ones also use mobile phone cell site triangulation to help with location accuracy.

https://www.eta.co.uk/2012/02/13/stolen-bicycles-tracked-with-covert-gps/
is just one example.

posted by Critchio [110 posts]
10th August 2014 - 17:01

58 Likes

At least Critchio knows what he's on about

posted by Beaufort [163 posts]
10th August 2014 - 17:22

36 Likes

Doesn't say he's an English major. Maybe a foreign student studying math or science.

posted by Toxmarz [6 posts]
10th August 2014 - 17:59

53 Likes

I think most of you are missing a good opportunity to unite against bike thieves. Whether this is real or fake, poor grammar or a bluff, who cares? Let's use any weapon in our arsenal to disrupt, deter and bring to justice bike thieves and handlers.
Yeh! Applause

posted by james123 [2 posts]
10th August 2014 - 18:02

39 Likes

More to the point: who the hell are "our Majesty's finest"? Certainly can't be referring to plod!

gb901's picture

posted by gb901 [153 posts]
10th August 2014 - 18:12

45 Likes

MikeOnABike wrote:
naambezet wrote:
Seems to be fake, the text is not alligned with the paper.

Looks like the paper is folded and taped down to me.

I think what he is saying is the paper is curved round the tube but the word 'Dear' isn't.
Nice idea but, FWIW it looks fake to me too.

posted by stuartp [61 posts]
10th August 2014 - 18:31

41 Likes

..

posted by stuartp [61 posts]
10th August 2014 - 18:32

33 Likes

Well I guess as he can't go for a ride, so he decided to spend some quality time Photoshopping pictures to put on Twitter Wink

posted by stuartp [61 posts]
10th August 2014 - 19:19

39 Likes

If you zoom RIIIGHT the way in, you can see that the text is surrounded by 'noise'/greyish fuzzy stuff that is shaped suspiciously. It's all rectangular, which makes it look like it wasn't a natural picture, but inserted there afterwards. The 'DEAR' bit also seems a slightly off.

It's odd though, you'd think if someone wanted to fake it, they'd just print a real one themselves and take a picture of that... The world is full of mysteries...

I like the idea of 'our Majesty's finest' though. It sounds a bit more egalitarian than 'her Majesty's finest', because this way, we all get to be Majesties. That's nice.

posted by Quince [146 posts]
10th August 2014 - 19:21

43 Likes

Quince wrote:
If you zoom RIIIGHT the way in, you can see that the text is surrounded by 'noise'/greyish fuzzy stuff that is shaped suspiciously. It's all rectangular, which makes it look like it wasn't a natural picture, but inserted there afterwards. The 'DEAR' bit also seems a slightly off.

It's odd though, you'd think if someone wanted to fake it, they'd just print a real one themselves and take a picture of that... The world is full of mysteries...

I like the idea of 'our Majesty's finest' though. It sounds a bit more egalitarian than 'her Majesty's finest', because this way, we all get to be Majesties. That's nice.

you get that fuzziness when you compress an image, probably not there on the original

posted by anarchy [59 posts]
10th August 2014 - 20:24

39 Likes

I might post a similar notice asking for the time back from this time thief as it has taken me 5 minutes to read this rubbish article and following comments. Waiting

Airzound

posted by Airzound [306 posts]
10th August 2014 - 21:35

33 Likes

I don't understand why the student hasn't just called the cops.

OldRidgeback

posted by OldRidgeback [2205 posts]
10th August 2014 - 21:46

31 Likes

Joeinpoole wrote:
Calls himself "a student" with sentence structure and grammar as bad as that? Looks like he's barely literate to me.

More a reflection on falling standards in education. He just collected enough cereal packet tokens to get into what passes for uni these days.

posted by truffy [318 posts]
10th August 2014 - 22:43

35 Likes

OldRidgeback wrote:
I don't understand why the student hasn't just called the cops.

I know I bloody would

posted by truffy [318 posts]
10th August 2014 - 22:43

52 Likes

truffy wrote:
Joeinpoole wrote:
Calls himself "a student" with sentence structure and grammar as bad as that? Looks like he's barely literate to me.

More a reflection on falling standards in education. He just collected enough cereal packet tokens to get into what passes for uni these days.

Be fair. Obviously a foreign student, by the use of 'douchebag'. It's not a bad stab at English.

posted by andyp [898 posts]
11th August 2014 - 8:02

26 Likes

andyp wrote:
Be fair. Obviously a foreign student, by the use of 'douchebag'. It's not a bad stab at English.

Obviously foreign? Then why "our majesty's (sic) finest" rather than "her Majesty's finest"?

But you're right in that "douchebag" is more of an Americanism.

posted by truffy [318 posts]
11th August 2014 - 8:17

31 Likes

Either way it would be nice if he got his bike back.

Can anyone who is on twitter confirm if that is the case yet?

posted by stuartp [61 posts]
11th August 2014 - 8:39

34 Likes

'Obviously foreign? Then why "our majesty's (sic) finest" rather than "her Majesty's finest"?'

I beleive the miserable old cow is queen of various countries.

posted by andyp [898 posts]
11th August 2014 - 11:22

19 Likes

True, that.

posted by truffy [318 posts]
11th August 2014 - 12:19

27 Likes

Hope he gets the bike back, but it looks a lot to me like a bluff. Otherwise he'd have just call the police surely?

DaveE128's picture

posted by DaveE128 [65 posts]
11th August 2014 - 12:32

25 Likes

andyp wrote:
'Obviously foreign? Then why "our majesty's (sic) finest" rather than "her Majesty's finest"?'

I beleive the miserable old cow is queen of various countries.


It should be Her Majesty's finest as in HMS or as in 'at Her Majesty's pleasure.' You don't own the Queen, the Queen owns you bitch!



Suffering from Low Cadence.

bikeboy76's picture

posted by bikeboy76 [1292 posts]
11th August 2014 - 16:01

16 Likes

koko56 wrote:
Joeinpoole wrote:
Calls himself "a student" with sentence structure and grammar as bad as that? Looks like he's barely literate to me.

Rolling Eyes

What does that mean? Are you 'rolling eyes' in support of my position that the "student" has a painfully poor ability to express himself in the English language ... or are you claiming that it doesn't matter?

Why don't you just use the English language to express yourself? If you did I might have half a chance of understanding you.

posted by Joeinpoole [260 posts]
12th August 2014 - 0:32

22 Likes

'You don't own the Queen, the Queen owns you bitch!'

I pay for her, so I (part) own her.

posted by andyp [898 posts]
12th August 2014 - 11:12

13 Likes

Although the Queen is paid from the public purse, the money is raised from the Crown Estate, which was the property estate that her ancestors built by subjugating and pillaging your ancestors.

posted by truffy [318 posts]
12th August 2014 - 12:58

11 Likes

'subjugating and pillaging your ancestors'

Actual lol. God bless her, she does a wonderful job. I certainly wouldn't be able to do all that waving.

posted by andyp [898 posts]
12th August 2014 - 13:23

6 Likes

The Queen has a job to do... she get did not apply for it or ask for it... she gets paid for it... in my opinion she does a good job of it... some nice perks of the job... but she is still welcome to it....
Would be interesting if she had stolen the bike....
"You are nicked your Majesty"
"No I am not... I can do no wrong... it says so in our unwritten constitution...."
"Where is it not written in our unwritten constitution?"
"Look son, just piss off before I have you locked up...."
The Queen cycles off flicking the v's as she goes...

posted by SideBurn [808 posts]
12th August 2014 - 13:37

15 Likes

a foolish appeal to find the better nature of a criminal! he's just alerted the thief, who will now have plenty of time to ditch/sell the bike. after that, there is little that can be pinned on the individual, even with a tracked address....

posted by dwbeever [35 posts]
12th August 2014 - 17:03

10 Likes