One of those days, had to make the dreaded phone call...

I see you've found the valve core tool on Wiggle. I've got a few, they're good for getting £9.99 things over the free postage limit (and vital when running valve extenders). 

Ride tubs is my other semi-serious suggestion.  In the event of a sudden loss of pressure you can still ride home on them, albeit slowly. Does knacker the tub though.  I've not found Conti Sprinter Gatorskins that reliable so have had far too much practice recently.

Time for the winter wheels I think!

For the tight rims,

I have tried, in the past, slightly diluted washing up liquid, which helped but was still very difficult, conti grand prix on 26' mavic mountain bike rims, so tight that they rarely seated even when at the pressures I could manage, which caused vibration, resulting in temporary loss of feeling in my little fingers.  How we learn.  Awful footpump and mini pump.

Any way these days I tend to talc the tubes and the inner tyre, some gets on the bead and it slides over the rim.  The other end of my Pedros Milk Lever tends to help that last little bit, if needed.  Doing one thing that helps, helps another.  Wouldn't work for tubeless, mind.

I like the warming idea, Always better doing work in the warm, and softening stuff as well.

I seem to recall from when I had a similar bad experience with loose valves (thanks Conti!) that part of my chain tool can be abused to perform the role of makeshift valve wrench. I think it's the gap that the rivet is pushed through. Not 100% sure about this however!

I think that Specialized tubes don't have removable valves, though not 100% sure about this either. They are a reasonable weight and can often be had for a sensible price too.

Edit - seems I was right about the chain tool: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cdolc0sybgs

Cut old worn tyre to make boot for  tears, easybto make a few sizes and won't wear the inner tube

Had the valve cores undo twice stranding me but in both cases it was less than 5 miles from home... In both cases it was a Conti tube that let me down - both bought @ the same time, combined with a Lezyne screw on pump. Now do tubes up to breaking point with pliers first...

Has anyone suggested change the wife??? Jesus. God help her next time she wants picking up from the station at night.

But on a slightly more practical level

• Always 2 tubes.
• a few leaches (patches that don't require glue)
• Non-screw in pump. I use a fat mtb pump which takes 50 strokes to get the (road bike) tyre to 60 psi. I've never had a valve core unscrew. Ever. In 30 yrs.
• ziplock bag (free with pick and mix at supermarket) for phone and pony.
• Piece of icecream tub lid about 3" x 1.5" used as a temporary boot. Will cover significant tear in tyre. Used many times successfully. Will eventually wear thru innertube, but only after about 200 miles.
• Get a partner who doesn't mind coming and picking you up, considers it fair exchange for the occasional afternoon at Ikea....

Spares kit: 2 tubes, Patches + rubber solution, tyre boot, short (2 links) chain section + 2 magic links,  gear cable, cable ties, 2 spokes + nipples. Contemplationg getting a spare hanger for long (more than 1 day) trips.

Tools: Leyzine multitool, tyre levers, tweezers, spoke key.  

Is this overkill?

Tubeless tyres for me, with one spare tube wrapped in cling film and then gaffa tape (with a pull tab to get it open again) - tucked in under the saddle and held in place with an elastic band.  Small handpump, one tyre lever and small, flat minitool  (Decathlon), all held together with an elastic band, in one pocket.

Belroy waterproof leather phone case/wallet - cards, cash, phone, front door key.  Used all day, every day for the past year.  In middle pocket

Take a debit card and a note instead of your whole wallet and you'll be grand.

If you have bike specific insurance they usually include some sort of 'get me home' thing in event of mechanicals, although not sure if they would pay out for what is essentially a puncture.

Cycle Rescue: breakdown cover for bikes

The ETA were the first to offer a recovery service for cyclists, included at no extra charge when you take out bicycle insurance. If you are unable to complete a journey due to a crash or mechanical failure, we will pay for the transportation of you and your bike from any road in Britain, with an average response time of 39 minutes. We will take you and your cycle to a railway station, cycle repair shop, back to your car, home, or to alternative accommodation – whichever is nearer. Should you require cover in the rest of Europe, you will need our Cycle Rescue stand-alone policy.

5 punctures in a short period, perhaps it's time for some new tyres.

I like my Lezyne mini pump with screw-on rubber hose. I've only had a valve core unscrew on me once, I think it was a Schwalbe. Nipping it up with pliers ensured it didn't happen again. I have some standard Specialized Presta tubes that appear to be a one-piece construction so you might like get some of those.

Perhaps consider adding a chain tool & quicklink and a couple of zipties to your toolkit.

if your other half ever runs out of fuel out in the countryside would you react in the same way?

Really!? 

Whilst 2 tubes and all that very sensible.  The real answer is one or more of:

A bunch of flowers and a weekend away/spa outing.

A bike for your partner and spend some time riding together (probably 3 tubes in this instance).

Holiday with bikes.

A card.

A bottle of prossecco.

If all of that fails - ring a taxi and go inside when you get home to obtain cards to pay the meter. This final option would also possibly involve  a new partner!

Last time it happened to me I tore the rear mech off, now I had the chain toool to be able to shorten the chain, but you know when I spoke to my wife and explained she offered  to collect me because thats what partners do. 

Finally if all else fails rule 5 and walk home.

Would the new plastic fivers not also be an even better tyre boot than the old ones now too?

Would the new plastic fivers not also be an even better tyre boot than the old ones now too?

- I mainly use Michelin ones that don't have removable cores. Long rides = 2 tubes.

- Used to use an Aquapac case with phone, ID, credit card and cash. Unfortunately, they don't do one big enough for my new phone, so I'm back to the Sainsbury's zip-lock food bags.

- I'm not a fan of the screw-on pumps, preferring the push-on type, mainly because they are so much more fiddling around with the tube, but also have the problem you describe. That said, my new emergency pump is a Lezyne Sport Drive HP, because their Essential Sport set cost me £3 out of Halford's bargain bin. Carry that and a CO2 pump. Before those, I carried a Genuine Innovations Second Wind Road hybrid pump, which is push-on and works very well - still gets carried occasionally. They do a mini carbon version, but that seems to be as rare a hen's teeth.

- I'd hope that another friendly cyclist would take pity on me, otherwise I'd attempt to get to the nearest train station. Should be plenty of both in Surrey.

Unless you have ample time, it's best to have an emergency option before the "break glass" option. It can also save you money long term. Early last year had a bit of a crash, banged myself up pretty bad coming into town (just bruises, thankfully). Called a cab, cab cancelled on me, and out of frustration I decided to reset my shifter and change my tube there and then. Ended up both messing up the handlebar tape and busting my tyre and the tube. It would've been cheaper and less frustrating to have waited for another cab. And thank God I messed up, as the hanger was busted (nearly invisible crack), so I could've easily ended up binning my derailleur and messing up my back wheel. As well as potentially taking another spill.

My repair kit strategy seems fairly in line with pretty much every other. I also use a very small Ziploc bag (think it was the bag my speed magnet came in) as a wallet, with a little cash, an ancient school ID and an (low limit, low cost) spare credit card as a dedicated cycling "wallet". It's actually quite brilliant: it weighs nothing, costs nothing, and does a great job keeping things dry. As to spares: multi-tool, spoke key, quick link, chain breaker, spare, mini patch kit, levers, extra hanger, zip ties and pump. That all takes a fistful of room, almost filling up my small saddle bag. It could carry two tubes, but I keep the tube in it's plastic wrapper, so as not to screw up the valve or puncture the tube with my mult-tool, so I would have to squeeze things a little past what they should be squeezed. Anything that I can't fix with that, then I go to plan B. Hasn't happened again, but I think I've learnt my lesson and won't hesitate next time. Again, I reserve the "dreaded phone call" as my plan C. Just for the most serious of incidents. And so as not to worry everyone about my "dangerous cycling hobby". 

Snap-close sandwich bags, 100 for £1 in most supermarkets. Brilliant for sticking a wallet, phone, cash or whatever in and keeping water out.

I've had that with Conti tubes when I've clearly forgotten to tighten the valve cores.  And that was with a clamp-on chuck not a screw on one.  One valve core went shooting past my ear as I disconnected the track pump in the garage.  Never did find it!

Using a batch of Vittoria tubes at the moment; I don't think they have removable cores - must check....

Pump is a Lezyne with a screw on flexible hose.

The new plastic fivers now make taking cash out in the rain a lot simpler.

Park Tool emergency tyre boot saved me from having to make the call yesterday.  Second such sidewall cut; maybe retinking my tyre choice

I don't understand the popularity of scew on flexible connector pumps. I've used a basic Topeak Peakini pump for ages and it always worked. You push it onto a valve pull the lever away and .... pump it up.

've had exactl the same issue that OP described with Lenzyne pump in the middle of nowhere in winter. I simply left the pump on and attached it to the spokes with a glove...

+1 for debit card.  Into a ziplock bag in my jersey pocket, I put phone, debit card, house keys, one of my business cards (for ID in case of incident) with my wife's phone details written on there "in case of emergency"

All tools/spares/etc. go into a saddle bag (sorry velominati - this just works so much better for me), along with a tenner or two in a very small ziplok bag which stays in there permanently, so I don't have to remember it.

I have had great results from Conti GP 4 Season tyres.  Been running them for years on my winter bike and have had very few punctures.  As it happens, I have conti tubes in the tyres, and have had no issues whatsoever with the valve cores coming out (do they come out??!).  I use the small Lezyne pump (HP I think, rather than HV) with the flexible screw-on hose.

On my summer bike, I have tubular tyres (Conti Sprinter Gatorskins) and since I got them (3 summer seasons of riding the same tyres), I have not yet got a puncture.  But I don't ride that bike in the rain/on wet roads (unless the rain surprises me when I'm already out)

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned it, but I always take a debit card and a couple of notes.  The notes only get used if I can't find somewhere that takes contactless. 

+1 for taking a 2x inner tube on longer rides, hopefully never have to use but particularly if on your own can be a real saviour.

I usually take at least a debit card and ideally a £5 or £10 note all of which are inherently waterproof so it doesn't matter if the ziploc they are in leaks a little.

The Toppeak Mini Morph has a short pull out hose which I've been using ever since I broke a valve using a direct screw on type pump a few years ago.  Works well and even has a little flip out foot plate to give you a tiny bit more leverage to acheive higher psi.

Agree with @paulrattew above - any local taxi should drop you and bike to station and take the train into London (probably quicker and certainly cheaper)