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Christmas gifts you shouldn't buy for a cyclist

road.cc have been kind enough to offer you a vast array of Christmas gift ideas for your cycling chums, no matter where their pedaling allegiances lay, but time is getting tight and you might get in a bit of a flappy panic and make a rash decision, such as buying one of these exquisite items just before the shops shut. Please don’t.


A Funny T-Shirt

That’s going straight to Oily Rag

 

A Tie

Especially a funny one, could be handy for flossing chain-rings and cassettes clean though.


A Motivational Sticker For My Top-Tube

Shut Up.


A Flower-Pot

A bicycle is not a VW Beetle. Or a front parlour (that's a vase surely? - ed).


Something Made From An Old Bicycle Chain

Yeah, thanks. There’s a reason I throw rusty chains away.


A Pizza Cutter

I have 23 of these, one for each Christmas since people knew I liked bikes.


A Lance Armstrong Book

I know he's the only cyclist you know, but there's this whole thing....


Anything With The World Championships Bands On

Yes it looks pretty, but you’re not the World Champion. Don’t dilute the achievement.


Some Cycling Patterned Mantyhose

Oh, thank you, very thoughtful, but, um, er, um, I prefer bibs.


A Medal Display Rack

If I get a medal in the Olympics then I might be brash enough to display it, the plastic decoration for completing the 100km Hell Of Crawley I can throw right in the bin with the out of date energy bar and bike parts catalogue I got in my registration bag.

If you’re in any doubt about the right gift, take your eager cyclist down to the bike shop with some cash in your hand and see the joy spread across their little face when they get something they actually want and can actually use.

 

Jo Burt has spent the majority of his life riding bikes, drawing bikes and writing about bikes. When he's not scribbling pictures for the whole gamut of cycling media he writes words about them for road.cc and when he's not doing either of those he's pedaling. Then in whatever spare minutes there are in between he's agonizing over getting his socks, cycling cap and bar-tape to coordinate just so. And is quietly disappointed that yours don't He rides and races road bikes a bit, cyclo-cross bikes a lot and mountainbikes a fair bit too. Would rather be up a mountain.

38 comments

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Tony Farrelly [2868 posts] 2 years ago
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I'd take the dog pooing chain…

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Caroline Dodgson [25 posts] 2 years ago
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Oh it's a pizza cutter! Just packed one of those away whilst boxing up John's kitchen.

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WolfieSmith [1318 posts] 2 years ago
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One of those stupid little bags that goes in your top tube to hold gels in would be my number 11. Fine for triathletes with no pockets but just prissy for long rides.

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aslongasicycle [383 posts] 2 years ago
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When I ride,
I am like a giraffe in a cement mixer,
wanging this way and that,
uncoordinated.

When I ride,
wind, rain, hills, pain,
make me want to hide in the local cafe, with cake,
a pint of tea and a rushed poo just as they leave.

When I ride,
I stop, I moan, I rearrange my balls in these bloody bibshorts,
training when I do the washing-up enough, once a month on Sundays, getting fatter.

When I ride,
I bonk easily,
and I sit on the curb staring at the razor cuts on my knees,
waiting for Alan to pick me up in his Audi estate.

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themartincox [495 posts] 2 years ago
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MercuryOne wrote:

One of those stupid little bags that goes in your top tube to hold gels in would be my number 11. Fine for triathletes with no pockets but just prissy for long rides.

I guess it depends on your definition of long ride though....I'm after one of the top tube, and one for the bars for a long ride in summer

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keith roberts [204 posts] 2 years ago
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since you live nearby vecchiojo ,you'll know that crawley IS hell and you should get a medal for riding around it's urban areas....although the Crawley wheelers wont agree!
Oh, I have the book too...got it for Christmas.....  3

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Al__S [1018 posts] 2 years ago
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I want a top tube sticker with Nick's words on it.

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Dizzy [68 posts] 2 years ago
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I have the book It's used as a doorstop for the bike shed door these days
My son has a medal rack...But he's only 9  39

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andylul [410 posts] 2 years ago
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keith roberts wrote:

since you live nearby vecchiojo ,you'll know that crawley IS hell and you should get a medal for riding around it's urban areas....although the Crawley wheelers wont agree!
Oh, I have the book too...got it for Christmas.....  3

Spare a thought for the poor bastards who actually live there...

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Lord Fishface [26 posts] 2 years ago
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The technical term for one of those little vases is a tussy mussy; Hercule Poirot had one, albeit not on his bike.

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Jack Osbourne snr [430 posts] 2 years ago
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Those tapenade socks by Ralphaa would make a great Christmas present.

You could wear them over your mantyhose smug in the knowledge that nobody else in the world is dressed the way you are at that moment.

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notfastenough [3674 posts] 2 years ago
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aslongasicycle wrote:

When I ride,
I am like a giraffe in a cement mixer,
wanging this way and that,
uncoordinated.

When I ride,
wind, rain, hills, pain,
make me want to hide in the local cafe, with cake,
a pint of tea and a rushed poo just as they leave.

When I ride,
I stop, I moan, I rearrange my balls in these bloody bibshorts,
training when I do the washing-up enough, once a month on Sundays, getting fatter.

When I ride,
I bonk easily,
and I sit on the curb staring at the razor cuts on my knees,
waiting for Alan to pick me up in his Audi estate.

So you know how Rapha tuck a garments 'story' inside a pocket-liner or whatever? Well, I dare you to print this in its place on a Vulpine item!

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Yennings [237 posts] 2 years ago
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Crawley by name - Creepy by nature

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meursault [28 posts] 2 years ago
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Old Guys Rule is a pretty cool, mainly surf brand, their other cycling shirts are good too.

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Leviathan [1928 posts] 2 years ago
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Motivational sticker:
"I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar."

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Leviathan [1928 posts] 2 years ago
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Motivational sticker:
"I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar."

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Jack Osbourne snr [430 posts] 2 years ago
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bikeboy76 wrote:

Motivational sticker:
"I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar."

I am a butterfly on a breeze. Watch how I stay at home.

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KiwiMike [1184 posts] 2 years ago
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themartincox wrote:
MercuryOne wrote:

One of those stupid little bags that goes in your top tube to hold gels in would be my number 11. Fine for triathletes with no pockets but just prissy for long rides.

I guess it depends on your definition of long ride though....I'm after one of the top tube, and one for the bars for a long ride in summer

I have one of the Topeak Tri bag ones - http://www.topeak.com/products/bags/TriBag_raincover

It's a genius bit of kit. I use it on all-day epics - like 200km plus. Holds an iphone, small digital camera, CO2 inflator and spare external battery for the phone (using it for GPS nav and Strava, so you need it after 8hrs).

Personally, for anything longer than 8hrs 'The Rules' go out the window.

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WolfieSmith [1318 posts] 2 years ago
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For gawd sakes. May I refer you to my footer.

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ped [229 posts] 2 years ago
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I'd add another 'cyclist's essentials kit' consisting of:

  • - a multi-tool of a weight that would indicate it made from cast iron with lead embellishment, but a strength that shows it's clearly formed from old Kit Kat foil
  • - a bidon, always coloured anthracite presumably due to some EU regulation or other, featuring a flip-top cap that's impossible to open using one's teeth.
  • - set of tyre levers with the strength and durability of bic biro pen lids
  • - inner tube of indeterminate size. With a Schrader valve.
  • - a pump, sized somewhere between pocket and frame pump size thereby necessitating inclusion of a proprietary frame mount should I wish to take it out on a ride (which I wouldn't, being as I like my tyres inflated just a tad above the 18psi that it asthmatically gives up at).

And, lest you think the whole gift is destined for landfill:

  • - a puncture repair kit, which will eventually be used.
  • - set of cheap and cheerful led lights, which are always useful to leave at work/in the car for when you, friends, or colleagues forget.
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alexb [127 posts] 2 years ago
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It would be genius if it was waterproof, but it's not and it fills up with water during heavy rain, thus destroying all the kit stored in it. They're rubbish. Buy a handlebar bag and have done with it.

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Wookie [230 posts] 2 years ago
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I'd have all of them. I'm not that suck up my own arse.

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VecchioJo [396 posts] 2 years ago
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Wesselwookie wrote:

I'd have all of them. I'm not that suck up my own arse.

if i could suck up my own arse i wouldn't need bike riding as a hobby

 4

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KiwiMike [1184 posts] 2 years ago
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alexb wrote:

It would be genius if it was waterproof, but it's not and it fills up with water during heavy rain, thus destroying all the kit stored in it. They're rubbish. Buy a handlebar bag and have done with it.

Well, during a 1hr descent of Furkapass in torrential rain and high wind over summer (the time should give you an idea of just how abysmal the weather was), my iPhone was quite happy, as was the non-waterproof external USB battery sharing the same pocket. Maybe if you didn't make sure the elasticated hem was in place, yes, after a long time, it might get wet. But that's a user issue. I fail to see how a 'handlebar bag' couldn't suffer from exactly the same waterproofness issues.

So I see your claim of 'rubbish' and raise you an anecdote of 'quite happy with it thankyou very much' along with a side-order of '4.3/5 stars from 210 reviews on Wiggle http://www.wiggle.co.uk/topeak-tri-bag-with-rain-cover '  3

My only gripe (and where I agree with some reviewers) is the length of the velcro straps. In this regard, Topeak have to try and accommodate every possible bike frame, from skinny steel to 6"-wide carbon monstrosities you could balance an espresso on. I managed to get a good (but not perfect) fit on steel.

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bfslxo [144 posts] 2 years ago
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All of the above - Reason 27 why crowd funding should be banned! & i'm so glad to read that about the world champ band I thought it was just my sad miserable getting old git attitude that hates seeing it on the people in our club ride who well face it ain't that quick..man!

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Wookie [230 posts] 2 years ago
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Wesselwookie wrote:

I'd have all of them. I'm not that suck up my own arse.

Stuck not suck.

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Kapelmuur [316 posts] 2 years ago
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A stall on Altrincham Christmas market yesterday was selling bracelets and necklaces made from re-cycled brake cable and chain links. I can't wait to see Mrs C's face as she opens her surprise pressie on Wednesday.

My daughter volunteers in our local Oxfam bookshop, so many Lance Armstrong books have been donated that they have to be sent direct to the pulpers.

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Simmo72 [603 posts] 2 years ago
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#11
Rouleur figurines, mugs and other overpriced worthless chuff that rapha donned people on their winter hack Super Record equipped Colnago ride seem to purchase to feed their wildly overrated superiority of cycling and its heritage, as if by owning a 6" plastic model of Merckx (£40) makes you feel the mud on your face and the challenge of choosing your 6 speed gear ration for the Koppenberg in 71.

Yes, you've read the rules of Velominati, now go buy a copper dog taking a crap.

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neildmoss [290 posts] 2 years ago
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"Something Made From An Old Bicycle Chain"

But, but, but.... I've just bought the Missus the Cycle Geezer Bike Chain Trivet as recommended here (http://road.cc/content/feature/98895-christmas-gifts-women-cyclists) on this very web site, just 6 weeks ago....

(or not, thankfully).

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Chuck [538 posts] 2 years ago
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The medal rack actually made me go "noooo..." to myself quietly.
On the other hand, I must admit I saw a clock made from an old chain recently and thought it was pretty cool.

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