Why don't you see Pro's eating bananas?

Bananas in historical context

by Agony Guy   April 24, 2013  

For your own protection

sm at the forum writes:

Just wondering! Too difficult to peel? Slippy skins a danger to the peloton?

Bananas are bad luck, and most pros are superstitious. Herewith a gallery of the wrong fruit at the wrong time:

44 BC: Tired of Caesar's dictatorial rule, especially the "in perpetuity" part, Brutus throws a surprise early retirement party with assassination on the menu. After slicing bananas for the upside-down cake, in the heat of passion he grabs leftover fruit instead of a knife, causing the condemned man to turn around and ask "Et tu, Brute? What are tu doing with that banana?" The other conspirators use this distraction to do the deed, making Caesar truly regret having included the Ides of March in his new calendar.

5th to 10th centuries, roughly: Europe muddles through the Dark Ages. Nobody even thinks about a banana for over 500 years.

1178: The Tower of Pisa begins to sink out of plumb after only a few stories. Construction continues at a more sedate pace to give everybody time to get used to the idea. It's finished in 1372, later creating a cottage industry in prank holiday snaps. Bananas haven't been proven to be implicated, but they haven't been disproven either.

1666: Thomas Farriner's bakery in Pudding Lane goes up in flames when he leaves some banana bread in the oven too long, starting the Great Fire of London. The diarist Samuel Pepys writes: "Am mortified. Hope nobody finds out that special order was for me. And so no bread."

1686: Isaac Newton's brother Izzy, nickname 'Dizzy', misses out on everlasting fame when he nearly discovers gravity after witnessing a banana fall from a tree in the botanical gardens. Instead he merely picks it up and eats it, because he forgot to bring his lunch.

1776: The United States declares independence, depriving the mother country of much needed taxes. This will change the course of history and eventually lead to the infamous poll & banana tax (see 1990).

1779: The United States proves its unluckiness almost immediately when Captain Cook is killed by natives of Hawaii, who are unhappy with his offhand remark about the fledgling "Banana republic".

1805: During the Battle for Trafalgar Square, Admiral Lord Nelson slips on a carelessly thrown peel and grabs a midshipman to steady himself, thus giving a French sniper the few extra seconds he needs to take aim. Health and Safety appear on the scene, too late. Though the battle would be won, Nelson would be lost.

1825: An aged Salieri expresses regret for commissioning Mozart to write a magnificent opus in praise of bananas, having hoped to murder him and take credit.

1912: RMS Titanic sinks like a banana.

1929: The market slips on a banana peel, metaphorically (see also previous entry). Just remember: all similes are metaphors, but not all metaphors are similes. For extra credit, diagram the following sentence: "Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana."

1970: 200,000 miles from Earth, Apollo 13 blows an oxygen tank because a packet of freeze-dried bananas, shown here carelessly floating through the cabin, gets sucked into the intake. They make it home and Hollywood takes it from there.

1990: Thatcher introduces the poll tax and threatens a further tax on bananas and Bananarama. Riots ensue, though public response to a levy on the pop band is generally favourable.

Early 21st century: The banana guard is accidentally invented when a sex toy is left on a hot radiator. This isn't actually a disaster, unless yours doesn't fit.

2013: Lance Armstrong admits to doping. If only he'd stuck to bananas, which are still perfectly legal.

 

6 user comments

Oldest firstNewest firstBest rated

Nope. Still not funny.

Chuffy's picture

posted by Chuffy [183 posts]
24th April 2013 - 21:40

like this
Like (0)

Almost forgot: here's more than anybody probably ever wanted to know about bananas, courtesy the orange satan.

Agony Guy's picture

posted by Agony Guy [43 posts]
25th April 2013 - 1:54

like this
Like (1)

Slow news day, is it? This is a load of w@nk.

posted by Yennings [113 posts]
25th April 2013 - 13:28

like this
Like (0)

I resent the wasted energy I used clicking on the link to this page.

posted by JonSP [41 posts]
26th April 2013 - 7:58

like this
Like (0)

the f*** is this s***!?

posted by Pifko [85 posts]
1st May 2013 - 13:26

like this
Like (0)

This subject seems to have excited particular passion. Keep calm, Pifko. Have a banana. Like some Marmite on that? No? Fair enough.

It is not my policy to comment on comments, only to address questions when I feel the exercise will advance human understanding. So. [What] the f[uck] is this s[hit]?

This is entertainment. Maybe not to you; maybe not to those who keep a strict accounting of their energy spent on clicking and have no reserves; maybe, even, not to anybody yet born. But the point stands.This is a blog. It is not required reading, because I am not a dictator, merely a freelance surrealist clearly operating without a net.

Have a nice day.

Agony Guy's picture

posted by Agony Guy [43 posts]
2nd May 2013 - 3:14

like this
Like (0)