Starting Out

The first thing you must do is forget everything you know about cycling.

by Agony Guy   April 22, 2013  

Typical scene at a gym

Dylan at the forum writes:

Ive been cycling road bikes for about a year now with no real structure to my training. My Friends are trying to convince me to start racing but im nowhere near fit enough. Now here is where the main problem is Im a fully border at school and im not aloud to go out cycling even at weekends. The facilities availible include Bike maschines, a swmming pool, rowing mashines and all the various other gym equipment like treadmills theyre is also a weights room.

The Question is how to train ?

The first thing you must do is forget everything you know about cycling. Even the basic knowledge of how to ride a bike will be a distraction. We must rebuild you from the ground up, starting with your sense of balance.

Find a quiet place away from your fellow boarders, who will only hinder this process. Close your eyes and breathe in deeply. Don't forget to breathe out. (A common beginner's mistake is to hold your breath until your face turns red. This accomplishes nothing.) Continue breathing until you are in another place quite apart from the physical realm. You will know you are on this "higher plane" by its complete calm and stillness. When you are in that place, with nothing in your head - no hopes, no dreams, no fear, no hunger, no half remembered tweets - you should then slowly raise both of your arms, keeping them limp at the wrists. Simultaneously you should lift one of your legs, bent at the knee, while slightly crouching.

Hold this position. Continue to think nothing; allow sweet FA to dawdle in your consciousness except perhaps a fleeting sense of gratitude that you have observed the advice to avoid your fellow boarders during this special time of your awakening.

You may also be asked to catch a fly with chopsticks, though this won't be on the exam

Practice this exercise until you can do it in your sleep; indeed, until you can fall asleep and wake up and not have moved a muscle. Then and only then are you ready to begin the next phase of your training, which cannot be described here for legal reasons. Know only that it's very dangerous and not everybody makes it through alive or sane, but those who do will be so far advanced in the road cycling arts that the road itself will be an almost metaphysical distraction, except for maybe the potholes.

It's not about the road

Lee writes:

Following the success of the Olympic cycling team, along with watching the major Tours around the world, I am now completely hooked on Cycling.

The one snag is that I've not ridden a bike for the best part of 15 years. I have therefore challenged myself to get up and running on a bike (competently) before my 30th birthday.

My main concern is learning safely as, I do not want to get a knock early on.

I would therefore be grateful for any advice that anyone has out there that could help me along.

To help you avoid the school of hard knocks, choose kit which informs fellow road users of your status, so they will be extra mindful as they pass.

Even Wiggins wore one when he started out

6 user comments

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Sir Velo

Raleigh's picture

posted by Raleigh [1734 posts]
23rd April 2013 - 16:47


Raleigh wrote:

A hearty welcome to you. wtf may be a question, so here goes.

The editor has given me leave, possibly of my senses, to do what I do best: examine cycling from the fringes. And sometimes not even cycling per se. But definitely the fringes. It's rather brave of him.

If it will help the Marmite go down, let me assure you that I am an experienced cyclist; one might even say addicted. I enjoy city riding and hills. I don't wear a helmet and tend to plug earphones as close to my brain as they will go, for good measure.

I'm married to Agony Gal, have 0 kids but 8 bikes, and am a Gemini. I have an actual name that I use for tax purposes, but here at I shall remain,

yours sincerely,

Agony Guy

Agony Guy's picture

posted by Agony Guy [43 posts]
23rd April 2013 - 17:31


I think its hilarioussss.

Keep it coming!

Sir Velo

Raleigh's picture

posted by Raleigh [1734 posts]
23rd April 2013 - 22:08


Still not funny. Not Talking

Chuffy's picture

posted by Chuffy [203 posts]
24th April 2013 - 13:17


Actually yeah, not that funny.

I'm in a hypercritical mood

Sir Velo

Raleigh's picture

posted by Raleigh [1734 posts]
24th April 2013 - 21:10


I enjoyed it, keep them coming.

posted by Arthur Scrimshaw [59 posts]
27th April 2013 - 11:45